kyora kejora

2012-01-14T20:12:00.002+08:00

I've come here almost every day, log in almost every time, type some words one time or another and yet failed to publish any. I have wrote bout my PhD, I have wrote bout my feelings and what happened around me, but at the end of each post, things that I wrote about doesn't seems that interesting.

This blog has served its purposes. She has witnessed so many things and I have recently been thinking to shut it off to public. But my heart is against my brain, I feel there is still some unfinished business here.

I'm waiting for some news tomorrow, please pray for me. Hope it will be in my favor :)

Part time tulis lirik. Any takers?

2011-11-16T14:10:00.001+08:00

I’m losing myself, trying to compete

With yourself

For your love

That’s what you feel.

How can you say I don’t understand?

I’m tired of running around, chasing you but not getting full of you.

Hugging you one night and touching only your shadow the other

That’s how you feel.

How can you say I don’t understand?

I had enough

Breathing at your heart beat,

Pacing up to your rhythm and getting lost of all sudden

I had enough

Loving you but not getting love back

That’s what you said…

I want to feel free, rather than tied to these insensible feelings,

I want to touch you, without being burned with hurt

The moon that you once given me, it’s now fading it shines,

That’s what you really think,

So how can you say I don’t understand?

I had enough

Breathing at your heart beat,

Pacing up to your rhythm and getting lost of all sudden

I had enough

Loving you but not getting love back

That’s what you said…

2011-11-16T10:59:00.000+08:00

I look out the window and I see dark night, I wonder why. Then i realize I've given moon to you.

2011-10-25T12:53:00.002+08:00

Alhamdullilah and insyaallah. Life is not perfect but i have perfect people around me. So to you and you and you, thank you. I may not be the greatest thing that you have and please do pardon my weaknesses, but im here. Im all here.

2011-08-23T14:07:00.002+08:00

So many things have happened, and yet only very little to tell. I’ve become a master of sealing my feelings closed inside, buried down under ground of bitterness top with branches and leaves made of smile. Has it made me cold to people around me? I don’t know.

8 months in 2011, I have not achieved what I want. I’m a suspect waiting for my sentence to be heard, will I come out from this agony with smile of people around me, or their tears pitying my failure. My body is cut across diagonally, half of me want to know now, the other half is retreating far across the corner, hugging knee close to the chest. Although this matter is the ultimate thing that I should be worried about, I’m still allowing myself to be bothered by things that I thought I should already put it behind me.

No matter how many times I tried, no matter how many times I washed off my feelings with honey, sipping happiness bit by bit, the pain still stung me now and then. Why am I being punished this way? Am I that horrible, am I that bad that I don’t deserve piece of you? No matter how small you can offer? Why?

Should I move on? Should I be like you and throw 11 years of friendship down the drain? You know how painful I am now? When so many things in my life involves you, when so many things that I saw reminds me of you. But I have to swallow the fact that I’m no longer needed, I have to accept that for you, US is no longer exist. I have to accept the damn cruel fact that my existence is nothing, nil, nada, ZERO.

I have to.

But why do I have these little whispers that ask me to wait for you with open arms. Why after what happened, I am not able to hate you.. I’m not able to throw you out. I’m still thinking of the day we ran across the field in March 2000, free and happy.. I’m still thinking of the days you hold my hands while I’m panting searching for air when we climbed those mountains and those hills. Why am I still missing you?

You know sister, I’m optimistic and realistic. I put logic in every equation that I come up with. And I know in this life, I want to be happy, I would like to be happy with you, but if I don’t have you, I will find way to be happy without you. Regardless of the emotional turmoil that you put me through, I am happy now. I have my back bone still with me, I have my other half standing next to me and I have friend that laugh and cry with me.

It sucks that you left, you left a big black void of space in my heart. It sucks. But if sucks is what you think I deserve to have, then sucks is what I will accept. Be happy sister, be happy. I will be satisfied with just that. Be happy.

Next week is Raya. After missing it for 5 times in a row, celebrating it blues-ly in my lab, this year should be a blast. Thank you Allah, for giving me this opportunity. I’m taking 10 days off from my office. I planned for extra more days actually, but Ma is not well now and I have to reserve whatever remaining cuti I have for her.

Life is actually not bad now in Ganu, I have found myself another set of crazy people who can get along with crazy me and they are great. They are awesome actually. Though they will only be here for only few months, I’m gonna rejoice whatever they gonna offer me and how life gonna turn out after they left, I’m gonna let the future me handle it. The present Yo is doing great. Thanks to my hearty.

So answering question that people keep asking me lately, when will I get err married? I don’t know, me and orang sebelah benua never really put down a date and at this moment, I don’t think I’m ready to settle down just yet. Maybe in a year or two, who knows?

Selamat hari raya peeps. Kalau ada lagi lah yang mai sini, hahaha. Maaf zahir dan batin. Please buzz if you are in Taiping and I’ll bring you to pekena kuewteow goreng tepen seround.. boohoo kuewteow DOLI, there is better one in town.

Cheers,

Kyora

I will always be alone.

2011-08-09T10:42:00.001+08:00

As long as I don’t open myself to people, I will always be alone. I knocked my head to the wall few times to keep my consciousness, my hand still holding my abdomen tight, trying to reduce the amount of blood seeping my shirt. My oh my, today is such unlucky day. I know it will come to this eventually, but I never knew that it will come this soon. I should have given more trust to my partner. Haha, guess it’s too late now. I dragged my feet to another wall, a machine gun in hand. I can see my hand trembling. I won’t last long if this keeps going. I took of my shirt, torn it into two, one to be padded on my gunshot wound, one to tighten it. Somehow I feel more in control after I finished covering my wound. I took a deep breath and run forward, charging into the enemy, spreading bullets as I go.

I know I’ll be dead. But it will be dead alone there or dead trying now. I choose the latter.

Mimpi tahun yang lalu

2011-08-03T14:28:00.000+08:00

The breeze saying hi to me friendly, the day was warm with sun shining bright through bunch of clouds. The air was heavy with excitement. A friend of mine was heavily pregnant at 10 months laughing carrying her large belly. I sat on the green grass in my yellow summer dress, the frill circle nicely around me. I continue reading my book until I heard someone said hi ‘Hye there pretty’, he said hugging my shoulder with one arm. I laughed and poked his ribs. “If my boyfriend sees this, you’ll be dead meat’. We laughed together for few more seconds before he looked me in the eyes and said it’s gonna be worth it. I smiled again sheepishly. The world seems right and I blend with it well. We read the book I’m holding together, making comments all along and cracking jokes before we burst out laughing again. Our laugh died as I saw someone sit down beside him. My boyfriend. He said hi then he left. My mood suddenly turn sour, the breeze, the sun and the laugh surrounding me seems have moved to another planet. I lay on my back, looking at the bright sky and start sobbing. How can beautiful day turn out to be so gloomy? The guy next to me, lay down too. Close enough to give me comfort, far enough to give me space while I battle with my own emotions. Then suddenly the trumpet sounds fill the atmosphere. Everybody scramble to their feet and making a long line at side of a brick path. Few ladies in beautiful dress walk pass us holding a candlelabra. The fire flickered as they walk past. I hugged the lady in purple, muttering thank you few times before we were brought to the dining table, waiting to be served carrot in salmon and peach in syrups. We waited at the table. My boyfriend beside me, and the other guy was far at the end. There is a bride in front of me smiling happily though she doesn’t have a groom beside her. Suddenly I was standing at the outer corner of the building, a table set up for four was just under grassy hills with one young women and her mother sitting there. They were asking me to join them. I was about to, when 2 large dogs came and sprinting down the hills chasing daughters of the young women. The last thing I remember, I read in the news paper the next day, the 10 year old daughter died saving her younger sister.

Mending broken heart

2011-07-21T13:47:00.003+08:00

Stars shining bright above me
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
I'll dream a little dream of you

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
I'll dream a little dream of you

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Will have sweet dreams till sunbeams find me
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind me
But in my dreams whatever they be
I'll dream a little dream of you

Yes, I dream a little dream of you

I'll see you soon in a telescope lens

2011-05-26T15:08:00.006+08:00

As I’m in love for the first time, every bit of his act I considered sweet and loving. Now we are engaged, he becomes more attentive though to some of my friend, it was over protective. He called very so often, wanting to know my every step was a necessity to him. I didn’t see it then, I should but I don’t. I didn't see that he loves me too much, way too much.

Sudden clang of baton on the steel bar woke me up, I didn’t realize I have fall asleep while walking down memory lane with Matt last night. A stern looking man in uniform slides a tray with bread and cold coffee. My breakfast.

‘Tommorow is your hearing, you sure you don’t want any lawyer? If you can’t afford, one will be appointed to you off course’

‘I have one.’ Maybe.

My hands tremble while I dial the number I know for so long, but always too busy, too occupied to give it a ring. A deep voice saying hello and I hold the handset tighter

‘Hey Kev’

‘Amber.’ A recognition. A clips of memories trailing before my eyes, running through my mind and I’m sure his too.

‘I’m at the police station’

‘Are you all right? Is everything ok?” He caught the seriousness of my tone and deep concern transmitted through his voice.

‘I need help Kev’

‘I’ll be right away, don’t say anything to anyone’

Kevin my old buddy arrived 15 minutes later. I can see he is all business like when he talked with the police officer. But his half knotted tie and crumple suit betray the image he tried to portray. He looks like he just spends a night away from home too. The officer ushered us to an empty room except table and chairs. The officer gets me off my cuffs, and I could see Kev looking at my wrists, assessing the red mark that the cuffs just left. His face turned pale now, after the officer left us. He must have known the chargers.

‘First degree murder Amber.’ A statement, not a question.

His shook his head in disbelief.

All business like again, ‘It’s gonna be hard to bail you out, but I will try my best.’ He scribbles across the yellow pad.

‘You gonna look your best tomorrow, but don’t overdo it, I’ll get you some clothes. Something plain, something day by day women wear. It’s good if we can bring Jack along too, that will win you some sympathy.’

‘Don’t you want to know what really happened Kev?”

‘Now, it doesn’t matter’

‘Why??’ Pang of hurt creeping in me. I used to matter.

‘I’m your lawyer Amber, I already decided that you’re not guilty’

‘but.. I… I… did shot him…’ My lips trembles and words that came out were barely a whisper. I looked down to my hands, avoiding his face. I couldn’t bear the thought of being judged by Kevin. Tears started making way down my cheeks.

‘Amber…’ He sighed, putting down his pen and leaned his back against his chair.

‘It’s Matt, Amber. It’s Matt. Not some random stranger who break into your house’

Silent followed us. He closed his legal pads, shoved it in his briefcase and stood up.

‘I’ll see you at tomorrow hearing. I’m sorry you have to stay here for another night’

‘Kev.. Jacob? I don’t know where they took him, Please take him to Mara, she loves him as much as I do ’

He took my hands in big palms, covering it up.

‘I’ll see what I can do Amber, but you go and take some rest, you look like walking zombie’ He smile, sincerely this time.

‘and you smell like one’ We both chuckled and for the first time since I was brought here yesterday, I feel fine.

‘I promise I’ll take a bath before your hearing tomorrow’

‘Thank you that will increase my chances to get bail’

‘Anything for you, my lady’

We smiled again. That has been our inside jokes for some time. During last year of our high school, I’ve been forced to play Morgana while Kevin due to his cheekiness, played Merlin.

‘Take care Amber..’ He let go of my hands but I hold his hands tight..

‘Kev, I’m scared.’

‘I know.. I know.. It’ll be alright.' He hugged me tight.

Unrequitted

2011-05-21T17:15:00.005+08:00

Jangan diharap pada anggunnya bulan,

Diraih tak sampai, sejuk ke tulang,

Jangan diharap pada nyamannya angin,

Disapa cuma, dinampak tidak,

Jangan diharap pada pelangi senja,

Dikejar tak sempat, dilihat malap,

Jangan diharap guruh-guruh di langit,

Hujan tak tentu, kilat dah pasti,

Jangan diharap pada luasnya laut,

Di atas terang, di bawah buta,

Jangan diharap pada tingginya gunung,

Jangan diharap pada kerasnya batu,

Jangan diharap pada tenangnya tasik,

Jangan diharap pada yang benci,

Disayang tidak, dirindu tidak,

Pedih di hati sampai ke mati...

Kyora,

20th May 2011

Shadow said You Hurt Me, I died

2011-04-18T19:17:00.004+08:00

I leaned on the hard brick behind me, imagining, it is Matt's warm broad chest. In the distance, I heard a loud thump and shout. A drunken man appears to make a ruckus up there. I inched closer to the corner of the damp cell, hugging my knee close to my chest and Matt Sullivan appears in front of me again, smiling and laughing and we were dancing on the floor, surrounding by our family on our wedding day. My white gown twirled gracefully around me, we were doing a waltz before the song changed abruptly to sweet slow jazz. He then held me close like I’m the only person matters in the world and his eyes softly piercing mine.

I laughed. “Whoa, you must really love me!”

He chuckled. “I thought you already know that!” The chuckled died when he hugged me closer. ‘Don’t leave me Amber, I love you so so much’

We dated for 6 months before he proposed. He said the time we know each other doesn’t matter, it’s already enough for him to know that he couldn’t live without me, the thoughts that not making me his, drives his crazy. I believe that when he stood in front of my house the whole night, not wanting to wake me up, but also miss me too much to go back to his house.

It doesn’t take me long to fall in love with Matt Sullivan, I even suspect he already have my heart in his palm the day we sat for hours in the small coffee shop. I was deprived of love since my parents divorced. They drifted away, finding their own self all over again, after so long been defined as a couple. I understand, really. It must be hard for them. But I couldn’t help but despised their selfishness, for forgetting about me along the process. I also then drifted like an empty shell, going through routine of a child and then an awkward dorky teenager. Always secluded, living my life by myself.

It was when I’m out of Rockhampton , I discovered myself, that I am too like others capable of laugh and joy. The once empty shell is now filled with excitement sourced from my work. The thrill that came with the work as journalist provides me with an escapism that I’ve been longing for. As everyone seems to think that having a boyfriend is necessary, I also dated. My very first boyfriend was a photographer from my office, Paul. I like him too much to turn him down. We went out for a while, but we broke up because he said I love you and I’m only able to come up with thank you.

Matt was different, when he said I love you, my heart swelled up I thought it will burst with joy. It was a summer day when he proposed. We were sitting side by side at park on a green grass. Me with my book, he well with nothing. He just sat there, accompany me. Suddenly, he pushed strand of my hairs to back of my ear and said,

“Amber, I want to grow old with you”

I noticed changes of his tone and my face flushed with anticipation. I put up my defense by laughing.

“Grow old all you want, I’m determined to keep my youth”

He chuckled.

“Marry me” he said, slipping a pear cut diamond ring to my fingers.

“Doesn’t it suppose that you have to wait till the part where I say yes before you put it on?”

“You’ll say yes won’t you?”

My eyes sparkled with joy.

Mirror mirror on the wall, where's my car key???

2011-04-13T15:20:00.008+08:00

I lost my car key today. Today its probably the 723 981 times that I lost mine, off course this is an exaggeration, but you get my drift. Other than, keys, I've lost my purses few times, once I have to make a new IC, bank card etc. I've lost my books few times, and I hate when that happened especially when I haven't finish reading it yet. I once accidentally left my blue book in orang sebelah benua car, and I was in agony the whole week before the book was safely in my hand again. We are still together, so I guess he hasn't read it *chuckle chuckle* My clothes are everywhere, I often I thought I left them at my brother or sister house, but I couldn't find them after holiday ends. How? A big mystery. I sometimes when shopping for food, pay for it and left it at the counter. Sometimes the cashier call me to take it, sometimes we both have more important things to think about and the goodies remained there. I have two mp3 player, both are gone.

I have not lost my mobile phone so far. But I left it at my friends house often.

Some suggest I carried a bag. I tried for few months now, but I'm not comfortable with handbag. Its been weeks since my handbag lay under my office table. A bag pack off course will be ridiculous once I apply my make up on. Some suggest making a check list every time I left a place, but check list for phone, purse, keys and maybe a book seems a little pathetic. My jeans is tight enough to accommodate my flesh, so I couldn't put any of those things in my pockets, leaving me holding everything in my hands. Or in one hand when I'm doing my shopping.

I love the song above. Talking about love, this sign always baffle me <3 , for me it looks like boobies tilted 90 degrees.

SuperRosie

2011-04-10T10:53:00.003+08:00

Tik! Tik! Tik! The water droplets break into layer of water as they touch the ground. The Tik! Tik! sounds, though may be inaudible to the commoners ear, is easily heard by Rosie. Her superpower enhances her senses. She was bestowed by her father, King Llama with flying capabilities, supersonic movement, X-ray eyes and strength that no one could challenged. She was sent to earth with a mission, to monitor the ability of human races. One day Earth will be invaded by Planet Lolito.

But for tonight, she needs to find a parcel that has been sent to earth. The sender identity is unknown. If the parcel poses a threat to Earth, Rosie has to destroy it. The beautiful earth has to be preserved for it will be the asset of Lolito. It has come to her as an epiphany last night that the parcel has been sent to earth in middle of Malaysia Tropical Jungle.

Rosie screened the land under her, she noticed a box. Black. This is weird. She thought to herself. If the box from Lolito planet, it will be in white, stamped with official mark of her royal family. She moved slowly with precautions, her x-rayed eyes unable to see the box content. With one swift movement, Rosie threw the box to the air and gave it a kick, and the box lay open as it drop back down. There is a thick book in it. As the wind blew, pages turned on its own and bright purple light escaped from it. Words began to appear in front of Rosie, suspended in the air. Suddenly, air seems to escape from her and she couldn’t breathe. She fell on her knee and she was overwhelmed with feelings that were indescribable. The feelings so strong, she feels nauseated. And somehow the thick book in front of her looks so revolting. The words that appeared disgusted her and a heavy.. heavy.. burden seems has fall on her lap.

She hates to admit it.

She is scared.

and

The SuperRosie is near to tears.

weirdo you! who? me!

2011-04-05T10:41:00.002+08:00

mimpi pelik2 seperti my fake australian bf datang ke malaysia untuk memberitahu aku yang dia sebenarnya perempuan, anjing hitam orang buta melompat2 seperti kanggaru, peperangan di atas kapal dan pisau aku yang tidak tajam, pedang yang ditusuk tidak membawa mati.

Almost fake story

2011-03-27T17:20:00.006+08:00

Smell of cigarettes fouling air around me and I crinkled my nose in disgust. Bustling commotion at Tanjung Bus Station also doesn’t help in lifting my mood. People knocked each other (with no excuse me off course) while running for their bus, hawker screamed at top of their lungs trying to get attention and black market ticket seller eyeing their prey viciously, ready to strike no matter you interested or not. I let out a loud sigh. I moved few aisle closer to the police beat, hoping it will be a notch comfy than before but my o my, I was wrong, the policemen stands around talking and laughing also with cigarettes between their fingers. It was half an hour before my bus due to depart. Buses only allowed to enter the station 10 minutes before their departure time to avoid the station becomes too crowded. 20 minutes more, then I can have my sleep. I plan to sleep the whole 8 hours journey to Kuala Lumpur. The week before have been filled with assignments, tones of them in fact. Not to mention, the midterm exam, lab test and quiz. I smiled happily as I remember my reasons to KL, my first nephew was just born 8 months ago. He is such a sweetheart. His smile melted everyone.

When the bus finally arrived, I stepped in with such a good mood, running away from guys outside with ciggies between their lips and looking forward for my one week break. I couldn’t be happier when I got to my seat. Nobody is seating on seat next to me which means I can curl my legs up, having more space to sleep. The feeling doesn’t last for long though, the bus almost closed its door when someone knocked on it. A tall broad shoulder guy entered. I sighed for the second time tonight. Off course, what’s the odd of seat next to me empty when the bus was full?

‘Hey’ He said with boyish smile and sat next to me. I knew who he is, one of the famous guy in my uni. Famous because he carries a title in front of his name, more famous because he is so humble. A real gentleman, they said.

‘Holiday, bestnya’ I smiled and nodded in agreement.

“I’m Merong”

“I know”

“Eh, how?”

“We are in debate team together”

“Sorry! No wonder you look familiar!”

Smile.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember your name”

“Yo, my friends call me yo”

He gave me the usual response I always received; the one eyebrow arch upwards.

“Owh… Yo binti?” I chuckled and he laughed merrily.

“Real name Diyana, father’s name Noordin”

“So care to tell me the story?”

“Erm? What story?” I frowned.

“Why yo? That’s pretty unusual for cute girl”

I couldn’t help but smiled at his remarks.

“Let’s just say sometimes you just carry-on with immature thing you did when you are a kid”

“Hee, fair enough”

He popped me another question and followed by another and before I realized it, we were debating about Harry Potter and Star Wars. An hour later I was telling him about my family and he basically mesmerized me about his side of story. If I remember correctly he described his parents as a handsome pilot who falls in love with beautiful stewardess. His father passed away few years ago and he lovingly told me that he was a good man.

I feel amazingly at ease. The things about him, he was not just talking, he has efforts to make conversation and he gaze keep searching my eyes behind my glasses. My heart flutters at his sweet English accent too. We continue talking until we reached Chendor where he asked me to accompany him for late night snack. I refused. Though I was enjoying the talk, my eyes couldn’t hold on anymore. He went down just for minutes and before I started to drift to sleep he handed me Gardenia Cream Rolls, chocolate flavor.

“Just in case you feel hungry later”

“It’s all right, I’m good”

“Please?” He insisted.

“Thank you”

“You’re welcome”

The bus moved swiftly to Kuala Lumpur after that, and I fell asleep. I slept the whole remaining journey and woke up to bright shining light above me. It took me quite a while to register that I was comfortably resting my head on his shoulder and his head against my head. We both woke up, and my face flushes with embarrassment. He helped me with my bag from the overhead compartment, both of us in silence. I remembered before I left, he said “Hey yo, morning”. I smiled and I left. I withdrew myself from debate team later as my hands were full with other commitments. Odd enough, considering the size of KUSTEM, we never saw each other after that night. He just what other people said, a sweet guy with such a charisma that makes you just wants to listen.

I wish you love

2011-03-24T08:19:00.003+08:00

Amacam new look? I feel.. er flowery?

The best cover ever done on I wish you love, it just perfect. Its more catchy than the original song, and somehow it makes heartbroken sounds like its not that bad after all. Went to Ainin wedding last 2 weeks, only 2 of our gang still single. Get thrown 'bila lagi yo?' question a lot. My answer 'I'm still having fun berpeleseran tanpa perlu memikirkan hubby nak makan ape kat rumah' :p

Daughtry, I apologize.

2011-02-20T12:21:00.009+08:00

Have you realized the time that passed away, all the trouble that we gave and we gone through? And all those days we spent out by the shore and on the road? Has it all gone to waste? How bout the promises we made? Has it one by one vanish just the same?

You know, of all the things I still remember, I know the summer's (all year through! because it never ever cold here in malaysia!) never looked the same, because when the years go by and time just seems to fly, only the memories still remain.

In the middle of April, we'd still play out under the sun, nothing to lose but everything to gain
Now reflecting now on how things could've been, I wish there are things that I could change, but trust me when I say this, it will still worth it in the end.

So is it now it all seems so clear? Especially when there's nothing left to fear. So we made our way by finding what was real. I don't know bout you, but for me, the days are so long now that summer's moving on.. I'm reaching for something that's already gone.

You know, of all the things I still remember, I know the summer's looked the same, because when the years go by and time just seems to fly the memories still remain.

In the middle of April, we'd still play out under the sun, nothing to lose but everything to gain
Now reflecting now on how things could've been, I wish there are things that I could change, but trust me when I say this, it will still worth it in the end.

We knew we had to leave this town, but we never knew when and we never knew how. Suddenly it happens and we end up here the way we are. Yeah, we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

You know, of all the things I still remember, I know the summer's never looked the same, because when the years go by and time just seems to fly, only the memories still remain.

In the middle of April, we'd still play out under the sun, nothing to lose but everything to gain
Now reflecting now on how things could've been, I wish there are things that I could change, but trust me when I say this, it will still worth it in the end.

Mencari Cool

2011-02-10T10:39:00.005+08:00

Why do I always feel like updating my blog when I’m doing something important?

See I have friends who like to complain. Well nothing wrong with that, I complain too. I have friends that care too much on every single little thing, like the way the wind blows means it is going to rain and she’ll be soaking wet because she left her yellow umbrella in her boyfriend car in the midst of them fighting over whether her boyfriend is seeing someone else behind her back. I think we will be happier if we care less about small things. I think life is greater when we don’t sweat on a small stuff.

So I told myself the other day, to be less mad at someone, I need to put myself in that person shoes. See from her/his point of view and perhaps I’ll understand more. People are not that cruel to purposely hurt my feelings or go against me, minus few most of them have their own reasons and some of the reasons maybe true. When I do that, even when their reasons are wrong, I will be less mad, I will realize people entitled to their own opinion. I could tackle it if I want, live with it if I can and stay away if it is too much for me to consume.

I also wrote in my blue book that things happen and I shouldn’t worry too much. I shouldn’t be bitter towards myself and towards the environment especially my family and friends. It is important to generate positive energy to people around me so they will generate the same vibe. It is me that will live with the vibe. What I give them is what I will get back. When I talked to KA during my visit to Cairns in Christmas 2009, she told me about one of her friend. She said that her friend gave her such a negative energy , it brings her down with her. She told me that, similar to smile and laugh, foul mood is infectious. It’s the same to what Kristine and Richard Karlson suggested, be kind 1st. You may feel down one day and don’t feel like smiling to others. It doesn’t matter if it is not ikhlas, what matter is you treat people the way you want to be treated. Thus, if I really think that it is nice to receive warm smile in the morning, prior to me starting my day, I should start first.

I read somewhere that we must always laugh and cry when we must. I think I don’t laugh enough. I don’t crack my own jokes, because I feared that it will come out stupid. I stand at the side than join joyous crowd, I observed and determined how I should react. Oftenly, when I’m ready to blend in, the joyous crowd already dispersed or they already decided that I’m a dork and should be avoided at any cost. And about crying, I do cry, actually I cried more than I like. A professor smashed my face the other day in faculty meeting, I was fighting so hard to swallow my tears. Stupid me, I should just smile and say thank you. My point is we should be emotional when it is appropriate. Being rational at all time makes you a robot, crying at all time makes you see the world only in grey.

Last but not least, I read in ‘Don’t sweat on small stuff… In Love’ excerpts, the author wrote something like this, the human mind is so magnificent, when you looking for ugliness in a person or thing, you will find it, the same thing will happen when you look for a beauty. So I think my mission to find cool can happen if I choose to be. What stop me is, the brain and the heart do not always work side by side. I was down the whole CNY break, manage to keep my emotion stable but was sobbing this morning. Miss @ told me, you can’t choose your feeling. It just happens (point 2). I don’t agree at first, but I admit she got a point. But if I can’t choose my feelings then, I can choose how to handle it kan? Words are off course easy to mutter, deeds are entirely something else. But that shouldn't stop me. So jom cari cool ramai2?

Bola kita, bola kita!

2011-02-09T22:18:00.003+08:00

I played futsal for the first time yesterday. Today we had friendly match with people from Finance Office. Before the game started, I thought it will be nice to be friendly, so I shook hands with one of the player, introduced myself, asked her name and told her I didn't know lot of people as I just recently came back from my study leave. She smiled and we chat a little. After played for a while, I sat at the bench. 15 minutes before the times up (we rent the court), I went in again. I asked one of the player her name and told her mine with smile. Only few minutes later I realized she's the same person I asked before. No wonder she pulled a weird reaction. How socially awkward can I be?

Do you know..

2011-01-13T13:49:00.003+08:00

Do you know?

In meetings, to point out that your bosses or seniors are wrong, the correct way is Sir saya rasa ia tidak harmoni dengan etc etc. Atau ia sesuai bila dalam keadaan begitu, tetapi dalam situasi begini saya rasa mungkin lebih wajar..., sekadar pandangan, mungkin Sir ada pendapat yang lebih baik lagi? Rather than Owh that is not correct.

Beralus.

Oleh itu, mama, saya rasa tidak harmoni saya me-wire-kan duit bulan ini, kerana saya rasa lebih wajar jika saya pergi berjoli :D

That's How It Goes

2011-01-12T12:30:00.004+08:00

I was working on my thesis for 15 minutes when I have sudden urge to update my blog. A usual I succumb to my feelings than my brain, and I feel so much better. You know, I am so great at procrastinating, I could win an award for it.

A makcik cleaner started my day excellently this morning. I saw her diligently sweeping dry leaves from the side walk, I decided to say hi ( yes I think when I do such thing, I’m not born with natural charms). ‘Selamat pagi makcik!’ with a smile I guess a little bit too wide. She paused and said ‘Hi baru sampai??’ I couldn’t help but giggled, I mean the tone she used was like she’s my boss. Aww, makcik, you are so cute. I’ll buy you karipap tomorrow, and we can eat under the pokok ketapang. N to make you feel better, I won’t come at 830 like I did today, how 750 suits you? Tihhehee.

I think I’m more at ease to talk with older people than younger ones. I’m the kakak in my rumah sewa now and it kind of strange to have a talk. The only time I talked for 30 mins (that is long to my standard) is when one of their mums came for visit. I don’t know if I borak well with older people because I’m more mature, or I’m appeal to the idea of hey I’m the cool young ones! I will turn 28 this year, a big big ouch. Have I changed a lot during these years? I mean for someone who is 28, they should be calm compose and elegant kan? They are mature but they remain energetic and full of life kan? I don’t know why my age bothers me so much. Feels like life is leaving me, feels like I’m wasting time by not living myself to the fullest. People said age is just a number, what important is how you carry yourself. How do I carry myself now then? I’m still battling with the problem of having multi personality to fit with the situation. The other day, my friends were talking a tad too loud in public and I feel embarrassed rather than join the joyous crowd. But on the other hand, when I’m out of the circle, I don’t give so much damn on how people scrutinized me. I dress as I like, and I open myself to everyone, which the part of me that I like most. Free.

Ahh, free. Free is such a subjective word isn’t it? Do you feel free? I feel free at most when I’m alone. Certainly, because I don’t have to act certain way to suit certain people. But of course there’s a catch, when I feel free is when I feel most vulnerable. Cause then is when loneliness hit me. So you see, what you want sometimes could possibly not be the best for you. Plus because my life is not just about me, I couldn’t expect people adjust to my needs accordingly. Like comes when I need them and push them away when I don’t. There will be a time my needs need adjustment.

I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty

2011-01-11T17:04:00.005+08:00

Evaporate. How I wish I could just do that. Evaporate to little bubble of air, escape through the pores of the wall. Light and free. I leaned against the wall, facing my face upwards, trying again for the upmost time if I can make myself floating and my wish comes true. The holding cell that I’m in was far from what I imagined, except for the loneliness off course. I thought I would have tattooed oversize women as a cell mate and people screaming. I had hoped for window with line of steel so I can catch glimpse of sun. It turns out to be just a square of empty space and stinking toilet at one corner. Not even a toilet paper. Other than the occasional clinking sound of keys from upstairs, I heard nothing.

My mind drift back to Matt, I could still feel the warm gush of his blood and the sick feeling that overcome me when the blood thickened, slicked on my hands. No, no, I shook my head left and right trying to let the image go. I want only to remember the sweet happy moments of us. I want to remember his smile, his aftershave cologne, and his arms that I often used as my pillow at night. Someone had said ‘the marriage bed is a kind of concentration of dangerous propinquity, a certain part of each individual must be lived out alone**. Matt and I has been a true believer of that, the truth is, though we appear as the loveliest couple, none of his interest overlapped mine. He loved flying and swimming, I dreaded it because I fear heights and open water. I’m a dedicate reader but for him books are just collection of words to feed those without imagination. The only thing in common that we shared is the attraction and love that we have for each other, shared later together with Jake. Now Matt is gone, he took along my happily ever after ending.

We met on Anzac Day of 1979, when I saw a group of young officer, ostentatiously brandishing their Air Force Army Wing Pin on their crisp white shirt. They were marching to the city hall, while me busily clicking my camera, trying to capture the best moment for the town newspaper. It was during this I noticed, one officer stumble on his feet. The heel of his right sole was pulled off, and he hopped out of the line, almost knocking me in the process. When our gaze meets, I was awestruck to see such a soft looking eyes but yet still able to pierce so deeply. He then smiled and I swear it feels like morning sun just washed over me.

‘I’m sorry, are you allrite?’

‘I’m fine, thanks, but your shoes are not’

‘Well I don’t mind taking it off, do you mind?’

‘Err, no?’

‘Great!’ In the middle of people hustling and bustling watching the march and parade, he pulled of both of his socks and shoes and held it in one hand.

‘Ok now, do you mind accompanying a shoeless guy for a coffee, you know it is to embarrassing to go by myself’

I couldn’t help but laughed at his confidence. I knew then we will get long just well. We walk two blocks to the coffee shop and spend 5 hrs that afternoon talking about everything and nothing. Love is a sweet thing indeed.

**line taken from Suzanne Falkiner from Ethel, A Love Story

Nice hat, Mr!

2011-01-07T16:23:00.003+08:00

Semalam aku mimpi, ada jejaka pakai topi koboi, mat saleh agaknya, tapi side-side tinggi sejengkal je dari aku. Kalau takat tinggi sejengkal lebih je dari aku tidaklah dikira tinggi mat saleh, itu baru ukuran pra-standard tinggi manusia di Malaysia. Dalam mimpi aku itu, suasananya di waktu malam, di tepi pagar kayu, dengan lampu neon tergantung di tepi sebelah meja yang tingginya paras dada. Di luar pagar kayu, hamparan rumput luas terbentang. Kami menari slow dance macam dalam movie-movie Hollywood. Sambil menari, jejaka koboi nyanyi lagu ini...

Style suaranya pun dalam macam style Barry Manilow. Dia kemudian memberikan aku rantai manik berwarna pink dan berkata, inilah rantai ikatan cinta kita, sambil ajak aku hembus rantai tu sama-sama, macam baru lepas baca mantra.

The Vanishing Acts

2010-12-06T22:39:00.006+08:00

I just shed few tears over a a book about abducted child, kidnapped by his own father and she only found out about it when she herself already a mother of 4 year old daughter. However the tears that I spilled and put me in a very foul mode is not the story of the abducted child, Delia, but her love to her partner, Eric and her best friend, Fitz. At the end she choose to leave Eric, who is actually an alcoholic and move into the arms of Fitz. I totally get that. But still my heart wrenched for Eric who is living his life for Delia. Out of many love stories I heard and read, I couldn't handle the story of unrequited love and infidelity. And off course that only leave me with a story of happily ever after, which practically doesn't exist. But I really couldn't chew the idea of building your happiness when someone else is suffering. I want desperately to believe that everyone will be happy with their someone. And that someone would not turn their head away, would not fall in love with other heart and would not just let go everything that they already build.

More than you hand could handle and your heart could cope

2010-12-01T17:52:00.002+08:00

its weird that what stuck in your head is what you dont have, instead of what your hands full with

Why Emily?

2010-11-25T16:27:00.002+08:00

Just finished one more of Jodi Picoult, titled The Pact. I’ve read 5 of her books, too early for me to judge but so far her style is stereotype. Her books have to include obsessive mother, problematic kids, death, police and lawyer. However, though I keep reading the same style, Jodi Picoult still able to emotionally drained me. Mainly I think, because she builds the characters and scenes so real, it stays with you for days after you reading. And now, I’m cursing Emily for being so damn selfish.

Dream a little dream of me

2010-11-24T21:13:00.006+08:00

i bet there gonna be a day where i will regret wishing the night past faster so i could avoid dying from ultimate boringness and just go to sleep.

sleeping at 9 is something. been trying to sleep since 8 is downright pathetic.

Solidarity

2010-11-23T19:40:00.003+08:00

my heart screams revenge, but my brain say no. i stopped in the middle. emotionless.

My head is strong, but my heart is weak

2010-11-23T11:52:00.006+08:00

You can’t undo something that happened; you can’t take back something that already being said and worst of all, you can undo the pain you inflict, so deep there is no scar remains as the wound will never heal. I walked past the ice cream parlor where I used to have ice cream with Matt, the coffee cart where I tried my first Chai latte with him, the seafood shop where we have our deep fried greasy chips, one after another for hours until we feel sick. I walked and walked till I’m out of places to past, until I’m at the edge of the highway where I darted back, this time slowly, swallowing the pain, taking my breath so deep hoping it will go way when I breath out.

I stepped my feet on the porch hesitantly, I could hear the Barney song playing on the TV inside along with my little Jake voice. I leaned my forehead on the door, opening my palm against it, savoring this last sweet moment of his voice. Who knows when I’m going to hear it again? Maybe the next time I saw him, he will already forget the ugly purple Barney. Or forget about me.

‘Mommy! Mommy!’ Jake run with his arms outstretched as soon as he saw me, I kneel on one knee and bring his close to my chest, buried my face to his neck and smelled the sweet odour of him.

’Nobody home Mommy, I’m hungry’

‘I know baby, I know’ I went to the sink, rubbing my hands so hard under the stream of warm water until my skin becomes red and sting. It still looks dirty to me. I poured Jacob his cereal, being extra generous today by mixing his Cheerios with his Koko Krunch which makes him leap with joy.

‘Mix the white and the pink milk next!!’

‘Only one craziness at one time baby’ Or maybe twice.

He grinned showing his perfect white teeth except for one missing. He is the only 4 year old I know that does not cry when his father pulled out his front teeth. He gave out a little ouch and spent hours later examining his tooth and his bleeding gums. I smiled and run my fingers through his hair which is thick and unkept and reminds me so much of Matt. No matter how he cuts it, gelled it, it will still be ruffled and give him that boyish look. Guess that’s what makes me fall for him at the first place. Or maybe because of his tough arms, sheepish smile, his quick wit and.. and his love. But that was 7 years ago. My lips tremble and I was fighting back my tears. Not now. Not just yet.

‘Jake, Mommy has to go away for a while’

‘Where to? Can I come?’ He stopped eating and eyed me curiously. Milk makes a way from his mouth to his chin.

‘No baby, this is just place for Mommy and Mommy’s friends. Just for a while’ Like 20 years.

‘Like a school? Like the one I go?’

I smiled. ‘Just the same, only that I won’t be home for dinner’

‘Supper?’ His eyes searched my face now and at the verge of crying.

I smiled again. Faintly this time. Owh Amber, this is not right. You can’t do this to him. Run! You should run! Bring Jacob with you. Take him for an adventure, crossed the country. Mexico even! Go! But I can’t, he’s so small. He needs school. He needs his father. The thought of Matt slumped me to the floor, I was sobbing so hard. Near hysterical.

‘Mommy, mommy, are you sick? Mommy?’ Jake run to my arms, he is now crying too. Panic and did not understand a thing. The front door was then kicked down. I saw glimpse of few men, I hugged Jacob closer now, not letting this one thing go. The only thing real.

‘Mrs Sulllivan, please let the boy go’ The police officer grabs my arms, trying to make me stand on my feet.

‘No, no.. Don’t take Mommy, please.. Mommy sick, no! no!’ A woman also in uniform pull Jacob away from me, cradling him in her hands while Jacob struggling to get back to me.

‘I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry..’

‘Amber Sullivan, you are under arrest for 1st degree murder of Matthew Sullivan. You have the right to remain silent and anything you said will be used against you in court’ My hands were cuffed but I am still struggling to stay with Jacob. My place is here with my boy, not prison, not cold cell.

‘I love you baby, I’m sorry, I love you.. I love you’

I was dragged away from my house, from my love and the only piece of my life that make sense when other things crumbled and collapsed around me. Jacob, my dear Jacob. I’m sorry.

'optimism is a stupid way of approaching life'

2010-11-09T16:55:00.007+08:00

Probably that's the stupidest things I ever heard. Where do I learn about being positive, mama. Mama thinks I always can. I think I can too.

On entirely different pages of my life now. I'm settling in as the Queen of boring life in Terengganu. I woke up in the morning, I went to the office. I came home, stop for dinner. And go to bed at about 9. Yes, 9. In between of those mundane hours, I checked FB a lot, I read your blog like few times a day, and I re-read Utusan too. I also never missed a meal. Though Terengganu is deadier (no such word, pardon me) than Townsville, it is a food heaven and food tend to make me happy :).

I am supposed to finish a proposal for something quite big. (Aah, nothing really, I'm just being an assistant for a someone big over here, but it kind of thrilling as well, at least I could look back one day and say, hey I contributed to that). Entirely not related, someone feewit me from distance just now, i was like, who dare to feewit me in campus? Seconds later I realized, he's my junior during my undergrad years, Lok. Nice to see him again, but we both in hurry, we promised to catch up tommorrow.

Life is allrite actually, I have nothing to complain. Its a bit boring yes, but otherwise I'm coping just fine. Im trying to make things better around me and my approach is not to sweat on the small stuff. However, my I dont care attitude has made people think that I already lost interest and concern over things that are used to be big for me. To tell you the truth, I want things to go well. I wish everyone happiness certainly, but I dont need to dwell on my unfriendly officemate over and over right? Or to lose my sleep over why people dont listen to me? I have my opinion and you have yours and lets move on.

On more flowery part of my life, I called orang sebelah benua mum twice. Owh thats big for me, though people might say after 9 years being together I should meet his parents already. She's super nice (no, not saying this because org sebelah benua is my dedicated reader or his sis frequently visit this blog), she does. She even make me blush, feel like I dont deserve this warmness.

I'm so looking forward for Raya next week =)

Owh no, its not that I'm going to meet his parents or anything this raya. I'm so looking forward for the feeling of raya in Taiping. I still havent got my ticket home from KL, but I'm not that worry, worse come to worse I can just go back to Taiping with abang on Tuesday, but I longed to feel the buzz before raya, cleaning the house, baking and cooking simultaneously, and the rush of getting everything ready. Raya haji is usually is not a big thing back home, but I hope this Raya could pay the last 9 raya that I missed.

Pronto

2010-10-13T14:58:00.001+08:00

semalam tengok rumah, hari ni masuk, since aku gila desperate ni..

Officially home

2010-10-11T15:02:00.002+08:00

Kau tahu kan dulu, time aku baru pergi? Bila aku teresak2 teringatkan rumah, bila aku rasa nak picit2 ketam2 tu bila aku kena running experiments time raya? Aku selalu imagine one scene in my head, aku sampai Msia as a Dr, aku sampai Msia, with all people that I love most waiting for me dekat airport. Aku dan semua orang sangat teruja, gembira dan terharu, sebab I finnaly made it. The truth is, except of the hugs and love of few people waiting for me dalam subuh sepi 2 weeks ago, aku rasa seperti aku pulang bercuti saja.

Thank you for the congratulations wishes for completing my study. The truth is I havent. Though aku happy 2 minggu ini melompat2 tidak berhenti, aku tak ready nak jumpa orang2 lain and explain my situation. So do forgive me atas ketidakadaan aku cerita2 tentang bila aku mahu pulang. Tapi aku dah ok skrg, and I will push and push sampai I'm there :) Bila mood dah down barulah boleh up kan?

Aku dah officially back in Ganu. Still adapting kut? Though mama baru je balik KL semalam, aku dah rasa xbest dah, and I want to go home this weekend lagi, boleh? lagi 3 hari yea! Sungguhla tinggi my dishabituation ni kan? Pastu aku baru je dapat baca blog2 lain hari ni, n I'm happy to hear the good news as well.

Ok ganu, love me so I can love you back :)

Love is hard

2010-09-09T06:38:00.003+08:00

oklah rayaaa kat sinii lagiii

Sungguh, terkilan gila, sebab kalau ikutkan, aku dah memang boleh balik. But disebabkan I'm hoping for miracle, and aku layankan sangat kata2 pedih SV, I'm still here. Aku terkilan sebab Ma, God, how frustrated she is. Tak sampai hati betul aku dengar ma sedih. Erggh..

Bukan boleh buat ape pun kan, raya je lah di TSV :( Selamat hari raya geng. Maaf zahir dan batin.

2010-09-03T05:49:00.004+08:00

Right now, at this stage, I should be able to smile, I should be able to laugh, and busily packing my stuff. But I am very weak Ya Allah, to pull myself together, I rolled myself back to years ago, where I locked myself in the ladies and cry my heart out. Only this time, I pull my tudung to cover my face and cried on every step that I took while walking home.

I will not lie where I can't see

2010-08-27T05:54:00.002+08:00

Lipo

2010-08-26T05:51:00.004+08:00

Menaip pages2 terakhir (kira pages terakhir lah sebab dalam bab terakhir kan?, tapi abstract tak siap lagi, so byk lagilah benarnya) tapi ya ampunn, punyalah malas.. aku rasa aku telah menhycho? diri sendiri dan telah berlengah2 sejak 2 hari yang lepas. Dan 2 hari pada waktu2 yang sangat sempit sekarang adalah sangat banyaaakkkkk.....

Owh raya tahun ini aku masih akan ada di sini, insyaallah buat kali terakhirnya, tapi aku aim to be home soon after, so harap2 bila aku ada kat malaysia tu masihla dalam bulan raya, and harap2lah boleh la pergi open house dan makan rendang *droool...*

Semalam aku pergi stockland, beli buah, aku berjanji dengan diri sendiri aku nak jaga sikit my diet (ni dah kali yang berapa juta tak tau), aku selalu payah naa nak makan buah. I love vege so at least adalah sikit fiber dalam diet, buah oren yang aku beli sebulan lepas ada lagi dalam fridge. Bila aku beli pisang, hitam cam tu je sampailah aku lenyek2 buat cekodok or muffin. Gila tak healthy. Aku tak tahu la dengan korang, tapi aku cam perasan banyaknya minyak yang aku consume, semua lauk kalau masak mestilah nak kena menumis, nasi je lah oil free. PAstu kan I love baking? All the butter? Just imagine all these years, minyak tu duk terkumpul2 dalam badan, haish ngeri.. Aku start sedar pasal minyak2 ni lepas abg kena admitted early last year and kena operate. Sebab gall blader tersumbat? Ada batu? and doctor cakap one of the reasons sebab high consumption of oil and fattening food. Early this year, same symptom appear to my sis, she undergone operation jugak walau tak seteruk abg hari tu. Ngeri. So berbekalkan kesedaran, semalam aku letak la minyak tu di para yang paling tinggi (sangat tinggi sampai aku kena berjengket hahaha) dengan harapan each time aku perlu bersusah payah amik minyak tu, aku akan beringat2 lah. Tapi kan.... semalam aku buat nasi lemakkk.... hancurrrrrrrr

Hari ni berjanji untuk tidak cuba menconsume lemak yang byk dan sayur2 perlu direbus sahaja!

Uncertainty

2010-08-19T16:18:00.004+08:00

I miss my home town dearly, I miss my mum, I miss my family. I miss every single entity of Malaysia that entwined to me. But still, thinking of going back to Malaysia for good still give me jitter.

2010-08-19T06:08:00.003+08:00

Aaah, puasa di townsville lagi. Alhamdullilah, puasa kali ni lebih ok dari puasa sebelum-sebelumnya. Aku ingat for the past ramadhan, masa tu lah ketam aku decide nak spawn and kena running experiment masa bulan puasa. There are days yang aku ingat aku bukak puasa pukul 10 malam, sebab aku golek2 jap sementara tunggu maghrib and terus lajak tidur. Tak tahu tu consider pengsan ke ape :p Puasa kali ni so far pun takdelah emo2 seperti yang sebelumnya, maybe sebab I know I'll be home soon. Sebenarnya, deep down aku rasa berat hati nak balik (hahahaha, dulu beria menangis bagai kan :p), why? Thats later to tell. Selalu lepas sahur, siap semua aku catch the 1st bus ke uni, boleh je benarnya nak jalan kaki, my house dengan uni dalam 25 mins walk je, tapi saja ngada2 lah nak naik bus. Pastu aku balik awal sikit dalam 430 g2, aku ralat juga sebab tak dapat buat kerja lebih lama, sebelum ni aku balik lepas2 maghrib g2, tapi xpelah bulan puasa and I'm on track with my work. Then waktu balik tu jalan kaki. On thursday, aku kena ready makanan bukak puasa siap2, sebab aku ada kelas dengan Matt (pilot yang aku ajar BM tu?).Hujung bulan ni dia ada training kat Penang, last week aku tulis menu ringkas2, print and suruh dia practice order makanan. Aah, sungguh comel bila dia cakap BM. Pun so far aku takdelah teringin mengidam makanan bukan2, aku teringin makan mee sup daging for the last few weeks, tapi semalam dah buat. Kira oklah. Selalunya sahur aku goreng vege burger makan dengan roti, or leftover bukak puasa sebelumnya. Ada sekali tu aku buat nasi goreng untuk bukak puasa. Then sahur nasi goreng, then bukak puasa esoknya reheat lagi. Naik kembung perut makan nasi goreng yang sama!

Study wise macam depress sikit2, tho Im almost at the end and Insyaallah boleh siap semua sebelum balik tapi adalah benda sikit2 kat sini yang buat aku rasa tak best, tapi xpelah, aku dah nak habis pun, what important now is to submit that big blue book soon. So Malaysia, I'll kiss your air soon.

Eternal

2010-08-17T07:24:00.004+08:00

I texted my parents today, I said, good morning mama and abah, selamat berpuasa and I love you.

Abah replied back and said, We love you too.

I always have complex relationship with abah, mainly because I'm stubborn and rebelious. Mainly because I love him deeply, I decided to draw myself away. And that text today, is one hell of achievement.

Ya Allah, please give all of us time to rekindle our relationship, please bless us with love but not hate, please heal our soul from pain and Ya Allah, please help us make a beautiful future so we could forget the ugly past..

sighh

2010-08-12T11:44:00.002+08:00

puasa 1, berlinang air mata
puasa 2, bergelumang ketam
puasa 3, bergelumang ketam
puasa 4, bergelumang ketam
puasa 5, bergelumang kertas

No cream/ice cream with skim please?

2010-08-10T15:55:00.004+08:00

Something to remember when I go home nanti, hari ni baki dalam bank ialah 6 dollar dan 14 sen, dan aku memunggah meja2, beg2 mencari syiling membeli kopi ais terakhir sebelum bulan puasa. Ngeh, kelakar.

Un-needed needs

2010-07-29T14:39:00.003+08:00

with the right tone, even 'you my macaque.....' sounds inevitably romantic..

Ka ching!

2010-07-28T07:36:00.003+08:00

I'm officially broke and need some moneeeeyyyy!! So I ~~painfully~~ decided to sell my collection of books for the past 4 years. Author range from Sydney Sheldon, Stephen King, Patricia Cornwell, Dean Koontz, Sophie Kinsella and many more. Any takers?

Hlaotvee

2010-07-23T20:37:00.005+08:00

do you know, you can hear ur own heart beat under the water? its so clear, like my heart anatomically located next to my ear. dub dub dub. essential. annoying.

Can you always mend broken things?

2010-07-08T17:49:00.005+08:00

My mum owned a ceramic bowl, a bit bigger than a football, white in color, with blue painting. I was 10 then, I played in bilik no-3 with my cousin Mizan and I broke the cute little cover. I know mum loves that bowl, so I picked every little piece that I could found, glued it back together and put it in a rattan basket, covered with cloth. On her birthday the next week, I went to pasar malam, bought her KELUARGA magazine, 2nd hand for RM1 and gave both to her as a gift. I don’t know if she’s pleased. I know though, not long after that, the bowl is in the bin during our raya cleaning.

Is that how life works as well? Are things that broken in our life, will eventually been thrown out and forget about?

Is it easier that way?

How to make it possible for things that we glued together to look still brand new? With no marks and scratch or missed it pieces?

How to embrace the differences before and after?

How to accept that things change?

How on earth could we forget, forgive and move on?

It is just so hard when things that I mend, keep falling to pieces, dropped to the ground and stomped on. Not by others, but by my own hands and feet.

I’m turning the situation around and around. But I’m still bleeding.

Being special

2010-07-06T08:23:00.012+08:00

1 . Fasha Sandha merasa istimewa kerana kekasih ex lelaki orangnya datang mencarinya dengan helikopter milik peribadi kekasih ex lelaki orang itu

Kurang special kah kalau kekasih ex lelaki orangnya itu datang dengan kereta? Or mestila lagi special kalau datang naik bas, berembun di stesen bas, dan kemudian melambai2 tahan feri di tepi laut kan?

2. Mendapat seratus pasang kasut dari boifren dalam rancangan Golden Dream bersama Benson and Hedges di tv

Sangat comel. Di waktu boifren boleh memilih pergi bercuti di Vegas atau membeli seratus keping permainan video untuk dirinya sendiri, dia pilih kasut untuk cinta hati. Nasiblah kaki gf itu senang di ajar kan, kalau jenis kaki2 kembang, mestilah hadiah bf itu jadi kurang special kan?

3. Gf tidak boleh tidur dan bf membacakan surah2 Yasin, Ayatul Kursi dan sebagainya sehingga gf terlelap

Ngaaahhh.. Pernah tengok Farm in Aust? Besi panas cop lembu tu kan? Gf patut cop bf dengan mark 'BF of the year and He's mine'

4. Bf mencuri blue french horn dari restaurant pertama tempat berdating sebagai souvenir

Creepy.

Special is uniqueness, special is when you feel or have something that others don’t.

I was battling with the issue of being special. Being in a long distance relationship for 8 years now sometimes make me feel inferior compare to my friends who are being pampered and treated like a Princess (or Queen? since we are getting older now?) by their other half. I hate roses, but I envied those who received them, I think its very lame to be all mushy on FB wall, but I envied guy who wrote love poems to his girl. It is because of that, when I started writing this post few days ago, the structure that I have in my head is to delicately point out to orang sebelah benua that as cool as I may appear :), I want to feel like Fasha Sandha or the wife of Gibran Agi as well.

How I feel doesn’t just appear out of thin air, it started when I realized we have become too accustomed to each other, we blatantly discussing our ‘having a big go’ to the toilet routine and the I love you becomes a standard procedure at the end of a phone call. I’m afraid of us losing spark. I want to feel that I’m essential and special. I want to show the world my bf is cool as Channing Tatum. I want to be able to tell my girl friends something when they told me their loved ones is cooking for them, or winning not 1 but 5 soft toys in carnival games just to impress them. Then it hit me, does being special is about you feeling it special or when others go ooo and aaahhh hence making you feel like you on top of the world?

I feel stupid soon after. Yes, orang sebelah benua didn’t do all of that. Yes, he laughed off my ‘merajuk’. But no person and relationship is the same and whether to feel or not to feel special is decided by me. I was so clouded by puff of romantic stories, I neglected the small little things. Or big things that for me is a just a step ahead, but for him is swimming across ocean. I skimped off all the extra effort and the eyes of others somehow becomes a prime importance. What worse is when I’m thinking inside me, why I never get anything special, I actually give him nothing.

I breached the main rules of long distant relationship. Understanding and compromising. And for that sweet hun, I’m sorry...**

2010-07-02T07:54:00.003+08:00

There's so much craziness, surrounding me
There's so much going on, it gets hard to breathe
When I'm not sure of, my priorities
When I've lost site of, where I'm meant to be
When my head is strong, but my heart is weak
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak

Everybodies talking in words
I don't understand
You got to be the only one
Who knows just who I am
Your shinin in the distance
I hope I can make it through
I guess there's so much more
I have to learn
But if you're here with me
I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere,
Somewhere I can learn

And I'm running to you baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me
Cause the only place
That I want to be
Is right back home with you

2010-06-25T15:36:00.005+08:00

What year is that? 1997. How old am I then? I am 14. I just cut my hair short, as short as Amboy to blend in, in school. I started playing hockey for my school team that year, I involved in stupid gang rivalry, I cycled to school, showing off my new bike. I joined cadet and become my year representative and that is cool. I had boys sending me surat berkenalan with biodata in it. I laughed a lot and if I ever cry that year, it must be for some pity reasons.

I just dont realize then, kids next to me were either running for their life or running to take someone else life. And for the past few days thats been haunting me. I had nightmares like I never before. My heart is full with sadness, tainted with black ink. I feel like I've been swallowed deep by unrecognizable force. I could just put the book down but I feel obliged to finish it, just to conquer my fear. Nauzubillahminzaliq, for any part, even tiny little dot of what I read happen in my Malaysia.

2010-06-13T11:28:00.003+08:00

i must really getting old bcause i just cried yesterday watching bolt. its really a wtf situation.

2010-06-08T14:55:00.005+08:00

We both turned to a trampling sound on the ground, made by undoubtly fast ridden horse. Across the field, dust swirling up covering the horse but not enough to cover shiny plate of iron armor. The horse rein then must have been pulled abruptly, as the horse front legs lift up in protest. The crowds move few steps behind, like the horse and the rider are carrying some sort of contagious disease with them. All we could see now is a broad shoulder man, in a full dress armor and face covered with bascinet. Proudly embedded to the iron plate on his chest is the symbol of Nonuki kingdom, Encanto wrapping a man, glimmering in gold. He eyed the field in one quick glance, I have a feeling his eyes linger a second or two more on my face than the others.

‘Young man of Nonuki’ his voice echoes through the field. He unscroll a paper and blood pumping through my vein in excitement, waiting for instructions.

‘A hand to hold. A voice to guide. Senses to use. Let the hunt begins.’ He pulled his rein hard and speed away from there leaving confusions and blank faces.

“What? On foot? How?’ The slow whisper becomes a rumble noise. Some are more stupid than the one with blank face across them, they start running towards the knight.

The one eye guy beside me, picked his sack from the ground and carried it across his shoulder. He started jumping to the big stone nearest to the bank river when I follow him.

‘One eye, you must have mistaken, the knight went the other way’

‘It’s Gerard and if I’m mistaken why are you following me?’

I smiled. ‘I need food’

‘So do I’ He raised his fist to me and stops near my chest. I clashed mine with his. ‘I thought I’m the only one with brain in this field Gerard’. We jumped crossing the river, stepping over giant rocks without difficulties although the rocks are very slippery even on dry season. The trick was just to move fast, not stepping but only used it to launch forward. Gerard, despite his size proved to be as agile as I am. ‘Proud kill man, Rayyan.’

‘Ah, so you know who I am’

‘Who doesn’t? Almost ¾ of the field want to be in your side, another ¼ hate you too much too bother’

‘How about you Gerard?’

‘I neither have resentment for you Rayyan, nor will I die if I don’t have you by my side’

‘Hahaha, and you preaching, Proud Kill Man, Gerard?’

He smiled and start picking some wild berries from nearby bushes. ‘Darn, when you say food you mean that?’

‘Indeed, we are in jungle and we need to be quick. You couldn’t expect lamb roast laying around’

‘Actually I do’ I sprint forward as fast as I can.

2010-06-02T22:18:00.003+08:00

The field was loud with thousand whispers, young man all at present 18 filled the dry ground of east Nonuki land. I was leaning over a three, closing my eyes, had enough of what I’ve seen. I couldn’t avoid however to overhear all the whisper and scheme. You can easily distinguish between the young master of so called noble family and the common youth of Nonuki. The rich have the common around them, standing with such poised, only their eyes betrayed them by flickering with fear.

The only similarities between them are they are busy making pack with the strongest, offering the best of what they have. What are they doing are just strategizing really, as they will compete in a battles, combat and what not, and only the survived of course will be in the cavalry. I however still haven’t decided to make an ally with anyone. As far as I know enemy are safer than friends.

I turned my eyes to the murky green water behind me, flowing slowly to the south of Nonuki. Across the river was the meadow part of the land, green bushes sprouting from the soil, springs gushed up through the peat, a total contradict to the land I’m standing. It never failed to amaze me on how one single land could be split into lush heaven of green and dust and drought.

‘We must thanked the Lord for our unique land, wet and dry side by side, balance of life, the good and bad’ A big bald man stood beside me. I was intriguing by him, not by his appearance, but his swift movement for someone his size. I don't remember anyone standing that close to me, few seconds ago.

‘And by Lord, you mean Encanto?’ I snickered.

He raised his eyebrow to me, the one that on top of his blind eye.

‘My o my, you are as impudent as I heard, perhaps a bit more worse’

‘Thank you one eye, and maybe you want to think deeper, as I never seen that soul-less Encanto, even move its tail’

I look deep into the bald big guys eyes, his face flushed at my rude remarks. The expression however shifts within second as he gave me warm and genuine smile.

‘You are an arse’

I barked a heart full laughed. Maybe I just found myself my first ally.

2010-06-01T09:56:00.003+08:00

One of the way to avoid getting trapped in a whirl of depressing thought is to not ask your guy to guess what your weight is.

Playfully; 'Ala luv tekalah'
Confidently; '70 kg'

Dead on crushed..

2010-05-28T17:11:00.004+08:00

Right at this moment, I'm sitting facing my glass sliding door. Out there up on the sky, I saw a perfect perfect moon. That reminds me to myself when I was 5 or 6. I stood infront of our house in Taman Bagus Melaka, then started running to the left and right. Everywhere I go, the moon is following me. I secretly whisper to myself, that I must be someone special, that I must be some sort of Puteri Bongsu, just waiting for something magical to happen. I hold the imagination close to myself until I was 8, until Tina from few doors down shattered me. She said, the moon followed her too.

2010-05-28T13:32:00.005+08:00

Di waktu masa-masa sesak beginilah baru jiwa saya hendak tidak tenteram, tengok komputer pun rasa nak loya (hanya bila saya membuka word, excel dan spss). Tengok meja yang bersepah-sepah ini saya rasa mengantuk. Nak kemas meja,tapi x cool langsung meja calon PhD kemas. Maka saya pun berfikir, sambil mengetuk2 jam, sambil betul-betul seluar (bila tali pinggang saya putus semalam, saya ikat seluar jeans dengan tali sahaja) dan saya berjaya mengeluarkan buah fikiran tentang 3 perkara yang boleh membuatkan saya bahagia di saat ini.

1 Saya pergi tengok Robin Hood atau saya pergi tengok Putera Persia. Cerita Robin Hood lebih matang, tapi owh Putera Persia itu buat saya berdebar2 dengan baju tanpa lengannya.

2. Saya pergi QBD Bookshop di Willows. Saya ahli kelab, jika saya pergi membeli buku sebanyak 7 kali lagi, saya boleh dapat voucher dengan jumlah purata saya berbelanja. So what, jika saya ada 3-4 buku yang belum saya baca?

3. Saya pergi Wollies dan beli mee kuning, udang, taugeh, kucai dan telur. Bila saya makan kebelakangan ini, saya mengimaginasikan mee rebus utara. Dengan kuah ubi pekat, bukan kacang. Ubi.

Ketiga-tiga ini tidak boleh dicapai kerana pertama, Robin Hood dan QBD jauh dari tempat saya, saya perlu mengayuh basikal selama sejam sebelum sampai. Yang ke-2, tuan rumah saya ada di rumah hari ini, bila saya masak benda2 yang luar biasa dia akan curious tak bertempat. Suruh makan tak mahu pulak.

Saya mahu bahagia......

a quarter of 1000

2010-05-27T13:19:00.008+08:00

Life is all about how you see things. How do you see the world? How do you perceive a smile from a guy walk past you near the coffee cart? How you evaluate people insensitivity when they make fun of your beloved Prophet? How cool people with short skirts and skimpy tops? How you look at your cute student? How you estimate your un-cuteness? How much is your work? How loving is your family? How great are your friends? How are your second degree friends? How nice is the blazing sun? How much money you have? Life is full of how.

Today I have a choice.

My belt was torn to half each.

Its either I’m getting fat, again.. Or, I’m getting thinner for once, and the torn is resulting from repeatedly stretch to make sure my pants don’t drop. I chose the latter. Things can only hurt your feelings when you let them to.

2010-05-26T07:06:00.002+08:00

I always thought I have more time in my hand, 3 months though yes a very short period of time, I'm still ok with it. Yesterday I break that 3 months down to weeks and lay out my work, I was down with panic attack. 12.5 weeks to go.

Weekend

2010-05-23T15:27:00.002+08:00

Saja-saja sebagai cerita untuk dikenang bila saya pulang nanti, atau penambah perisa di dalam bahagian experience dalam resume. Di waktu weekend saya bekerja part-time sebagai pengangkut kotak.

2010-05-21T13:22:00.016+08:00

We walked to the barn in silence. I am figuring out in my thoughts on why my brother Ignacio could not join the cavalry with me while Ignacio still being Ignacio, stroking and whispering to Poanamu, smiling and laughing in between. Like she will understand, I hissed under my breath. My heart lift at the sight of Botte, Ignacio’s father, he crossed his arms nervously as he always did lately. I don’t blame him. I’ve been on off the city more frequently than I used too. I keep telling him my business is my own, and even jokingly said not even King Philip knew about it. I also added to my benefits, that the snake lord, Encanto may know, however he is too much of a woos to interfere. That will usually make him winced and busy praying in his heart for a little while. I smiled and dropped on my knees as soon as Botte within ear shot.

‘Strategoos, I present you, your son. The unforgivable, intolerable, ruckus Rayyan’ I mimicked Botte shivering tone like when he speaks to my father. To Ignacio who are smiling wide, I gave him a little winked and whispered ‘Ruckus Rayyan sounds like name of an honorable bandit isn’t it?

‘No bandit is honorable Rayyan..’ Botte held my shoulder and pulled me up.

‘Then you must have been deceived Botte, as I heard Bandit is just a tax collector for the poor’

‘Aren’t you afraid of getting caught Rayyan?’

My eyes went wide in shock, my mouth gasped in surprised before I roared hard with laugh.‘How can I be fearful Botte? When my father is the great Ramos? The right hand of the King, the magnificient Strategoos, the best that this land ever seen?’

‘Don’t be cynical son.. Stealing is a sin..’ Botte uttered this almost paternally accompanied with a quivering smile, afraid if he crossed the boundary. My heart of course dropped at his remarks, nothing touched me more than love of a family. I lack one of my own. I was raised by 3 women, none of them is my mother. I only met my father when I was 8, when I’m strong enough to hold a sword. I hold Botte hand in mine, feeling gracious.

‘If it’s a sin Botte, let Encanto punish me, as my sin today feed a line of widows, orphans and beggars’

2010-05-19T11:33:00.003+08:00

Another one officialyy down. The feeling was ok, the day i finished it, like two days ago memangla agak gembira dan melompat2 tanpa henti. Then bila print dan go thru semula, banyak pulak yang nak kena perbetul, tambah, tolak, delete bagai, so lepas aku submit to pendekar tadi feelingnya biasa2 sajalah. Takdelah rasa macam nak celebrate2, although aku rasa kalau pergi tengok robin hood kat panggung pun macam layan ni :p

The thing bila hantar pada pendekar ni, responnya memang bagus tak macam supervisor lain. Dia betulkan dari tatabahasa sampailah design, kalau sv lain tu yang aku dengar banyak terima bulat2 aje, takde constructive comments. Walaupun aku sangat bersyukur dan rasa selain dari rezeki tuhan bagi aku sambung study, rezeki kedua terbesar adalah bagi pendekar jadi supervisor, tapiii bila pendekar bagi comments tu ya ampun sungguh demotivated. Sebab stylenya penuh dengan exclamation marks and tanda soal. Kalau baca tu terasa macam dia berada di sebelah menjerit2! What is the stages?????? Refer my previous comment!!! and serious im not making this up. Masa awal2 start dulu masa dia bagi comments for my literature review, sentappp ok. Berair-air mata terima review. Then bila aku borak2 dengan students2 lain, semua orang kena macam tu jugak. Exclamation mark adalah kegemaran Pendekar. Haissshh..

2010-05-19T07:45:00.003+08:00

Pagi-pagi aku bangun dengan rasa fresh tak terhingga, tidur sepuluh jam memang mantap. Claudia Schiffer kata kalau nak muka kekal cun, tidur kena 12 jam. Aku baru upgrade dari 8 jam ke 10 jam, takpa lah, slow-slow. Siap-siap lebih kurang, pakai eyeliner sama maskara sikit-sikit (musim sejuk ni memang tinggi mood nak berlawa, make up tak cair) aku jalan kaki. Dah make up lawa-lawa, kena jalan kaki, kalau naik basikal orang tak perasan. Sampai ofis tepat 8 pagi, terus rasa bangga ofis kosong. Dada kembang rasa educated dan rajin. On komputer riba atas meja, susun kertas bagi lawa, check-check email dulu. Main facebook lite-lite. Lepas sejam kerja tak buat lagi. Macam hampas, baik lajak tidur sampai 11 jam.

2010-05-14T16:07:00.008+08:00

.....My mare run on full dirt road back to Nonuki, with me jumping up and down, unaware of my own rhythmic movement. Dust was swirling upwards as we move faster, coloring my black leather boots brown. After less than 2 hours hard riding, I could see the bricks of Nonuki walls, burned in orange and red by the lights of summer sunset. Welcoming at the top Nonuki tower, the MoonEyes, stood a gold faceless man. His body is coiled in a swirl of Boa exposing only his bare shoulder. The snake head pierced the heart of the statue from the back with one green stone eyes shining from far. As the statue, the Boa was also made of gold. I breathe deeply, holding the eerie feeling that creeping me every single time my eyes rest on the lord, the worship of the town.
......‘Rayyan’ I smiled and seek the sound of my best friend voice, Ignacio. I saw him pushing through the crowds of people and wagons, running towards me.
......‘How are you my great brother Ignacio?’ I answered his bow with a manly hug instead and slapped his face playfully as he return my hugs awkwardly and gasped in mortified.
.....‘Don’t great brother me Rayyan, my father will turn furious and make me kiss your feet’ With a servant’s fear of being treated different, Ignacio took Poanamu rein from my hand. ......‘If that’s the case brother, I’ll coaxed my feet in the water of lavender tonight’ He ignored my jokes and turn facing Poanamu, stroking the crest with utmost love, like caressing a lover that he haven’t seen in years. He then bring Poanamu cheek close to his, almost kissing to my eyes.
......‘You are a weird man Ignacio, if I don’t know you better, I will think you want to marry my Poanamu’ Ignacio laughed heartedly at my jokes. ‘I love this mare for the sake of you Rayyan, so you can escapes like lightning wherever you want to’
......'I totally appreciated that brother, I will appreciate more if you join the cavalry with me. Why do you have to trap yourself in that barn full of horse dung when we could use your strong hands and sharp mind?’
.....‘You know well enough Rayyan, that my barn is dung free and you know well my life is not my own’. I stopped my words at the last phrase of his, my heart burned with dissatisfaction. We walked to the barn, with no obstacle, people departs to the side opening way as we past.

1. Bloody tie

2010-05-13T16:25:00.009+08:00

a little disclaimer :).. Whatever I wrote in Blood Tie, although the story is mine, inspired but what I've seen and read, some of the phrase I've used and will be using are taken from the books I love and adore. I'm a newbie artist who is learning to draw by drawing characters from her fav comics, mimicking the exact features while trying to find style of her own. Thus, I neither take full credit of Blood Tie, nor not declaring this as my work. This is my 1st baby.

***************************

I hit him straight on his face, his old body couldn’t stand the impact. He stumbled backward and then crawling for a stand. I couldn’t help but feeling pity and disgust at the same time. I pulled him up and he looks me in the eyes, searching for mercy. Sweats were trickling down his face and he put his trembling arm up, hiding himself from the next blow. I was overwhelmed with sudden urge to give him another blow, harder as he licked the trail of blood on his lips. But what I managed to do was just spit repulsively on the ground and walked away. No matter how much I despised him, blood is thicker than water. Unfortunately thicker.

2010-05-13T08:34:00.003+08:00

I’m a person with weird cravings, the other day I craved for McDonald, then roti bakar Bukit Larut, then laksa, then nasi lemak, then something greasy?, then last nite chocolate cake. I baked it and to ease my guilt I bring some to my office and put a note, Choc Cake For All. Jonathan blurt it out that I made it and Dean, one of the lecturer here came into my office.

‘Diyana, you make the cake?’

‘Yea’

(I don’t know why at this point I just blush uncontrollably)

‘Thanks, how much laxative do you put in there?’ He smiled and laughed.

I should just crack it back by saying, ‘Heaps!’ Or maybe ‘No, not laxative, cyanide!’ and laugh together.

But I gave him straight face and said, ‘No, I didn’t put any’.

What a stupid, stupid reaction. I officially declared myself as socially awkward person.

2010-05-12T10:01:00.002+08:00

*throwing a big hugs up in the air*

I dont know you like others, but my prayer, love and support are just the same big bro.

2010-05-09T08:13:00.003+08:00

It’s mother’s day again and I am still here, thousand miles from home, from the pillar of my life, from the most important person who I love ten folds more than my own self. I was searching my memory box this morning, under my donna, trying to recollect my memories with her specifically the times that we fight or argue. I couldn’t find any. I only remember my bruised waist from her pinched when I’m 10 years old and I’m pretty sure I’ve done something nasty then for she never laid her hands on me. All my other siblings have experience the ultimate punishment; chilies been rubbed to the skin or lips when they did something bad but not me. Not because I didn’t do anything worth the punishment, but only because the youngest have always been bless with, tak apa, dia budak lagi.

Still lying lazily on my bed this morning, I remembered how I have to wake up at 5 as I need to help her prepared kuih for that morning sale. I remembered I hold some grudge in my heart while I’m frying karipap or making the onde2 as I love my sleep dearly. That entire grudge however was diminished when I saw her counting the coins that we earned that day then wrote the amount in her small diary and keep the money all over the places. Duit lauk will be in a box under my comics, duit kuih will be in a bowl in almari lauk and so on. I also remembered when she left for someone kenduri, or some meeting with her club, she will leave me with the order of that day, make some puteri ayu for tonight kenduri at Surau, or mixed me the Apam and I’ll steam it when I get back and I despised all that, as I have less time for my TV shows. But all the feelings again evaporated when I saw her sleep that night, resting from all hard work she’s done that day. How inconsiderate of me to think that I sacrificed my time helping you Ma, when it’s actually you who sacrificed your whole life for us.

I miss you Ma, I miss you so much, my heart aching. There is not enough thank you that I could say for all the sacrifice that you made, for the love and kindness that you showered us. If Allah granted me seven lifes, and I used all those lifes to repay you, I doubt I could even score equal. Thank you Ma. Happy Mother’s Day. Love and love from your Anje.

2010-05-07T09:06:00.006+08:00

About 9 years ago, when I was 8, I remember abang pull off my roda 3 and 4 from my small red bicycle abah bought me. He said, for you to cycle like orang besar, you need to balance and to do that you need to cycle straight as fast as you can. I did what he told me to, and I fell down each time I try to stop. It took me few weeks before I got it right, before I could cycle to rumah Mak Ngah down the hill at lorong 5. Last night bring all those memories back. I was cycling home, feeling the chill wind caressing my skin and as I made a turn to my lorong, the world becomes tilted. My feet are still on the pedals, my hands still on the handle, I'm still on my bike, only horizontally. I saw a beautiful sky, with glimmering stars. Pretty but very rude stars they are, they are laughing out loud, mocking my silliness.

2010-05-06T12:34:00.003+08:00

I saw promo of Lagenda Budak Setan movie today, and my mind drift me back to 12 years ago, where I spent my whole day and stay up whole night reading Lagenda Budak Setan. I’m only able to borrow the book from Fire for a day as Fire also borrowed it from other friend of hers. I sat in the class room of 3K3 with the book on my lap, covered with history text book and told my mum that night that I don’t have any homework to do. I was totally immersed and lost in Ahadiat Akashah words. I’m only 15 at that time, and to read a story of true love, story of someone who valued you as a princess it’s like reading a Cinderella fairy tales, that one day there’s a handsome prince will swap you off your feet. It’s one of the first books that make me cry and the first time I realized and valued since, a concept of good writing. A good writing is a story that brings me in it. Type of story that make me build the surroundings, the character and most importantly make me feel the emotion flowing through the pages. The images that I build in my head off course was shattered when I found out Kasyah character is reincarnated by Farid Kamil. I admit that I am bias as I never been a big fan of him. I hope he proves me wrong, and the movie going to be splendid, as splendid as the book.

Apart from Lagenda Budak Setan, there are 3 more books that are my favorites. Sadly out of all these four books, I owned none of them. The first one titled Magdalena, I don’t know who the author but the book that I read was in old Bahasa, translated by great HAMKA himself. It’s a story about ordinary guy that hold an extraordinary love to Magdalena, the daughter of his landlord. The story potrayed great love, passion, betrayal and forgiveness beyond imagination. If I may quote;

“Kalau ada anjing yang haus dan derita di padang pasir, maka kesedihan aku ini adalah lebih buruk lagi, jika ada anak yang mati ibunya, kesedihan aku ini masih tidak terbanding”

This is off course not the exact words; it’s a combination of my imagination and my memory from 10 years ago.

I also have to include Out, written by a Japanese author, Natsuo Kirino. I take my hats off for the brilliant plot and entwined story between one ordinary women and a sadist. The story however, is very depressing. Natsuo let me to be inside Masako, the leader of all the women character in the novel. If I have to describe Masako in a colour, I will choose a medium grey, a color that doesn’t lean to black or white. She embraced her frustration as things that just bound to happen like burned toast or pen that out of ink. She accepts the disparity of her life with respect and I wonder how many women out there feel the same.

Last but not least, is a novel that I read a year ago. I picked the book simply because of the title, The shadow of the wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. This book was first published in 2001 in Spanish and later translated to English after a big hit in Europe. The story starts out with Daniel who was given a book as his birthday gift. He chooses ‘The shadow of the wind’ out of many in the Cemetery of Forgotten Books, an old library owned by his family. Apparently, the copy that he has is the last copy of Julian Carax’s. For years, someone called Lain Coubert has been hunting each of the infamous author books and burned it to ashes. Daniel unfolds the mystery of Lain Coubert, accidentally unfolding a buried story of Julian Carax himself.

I have read all of Sidney Sheldon, most of Dean Koontz and Stephen King, and have been a devoted follower of Patricia Cornwell and Jeffery Deaver. But none of these books beat all four I mentioned above.

2010-04-12T07:38:00.002+08:00

I went to Bambini this morning to get my daily dose of caffein. While I'm walking, sipping my warm coffee and enjoying the morning breeze at the same time, I looked on my right. It's a big lecture theatre with glass wall all over, and theres someone in there, wearing the exact clothes as I am, holding a thick paper cup and she gasped in suprise. I had sudden realization that I'm fat! I'm at least 10 kg overweight and I looked very very ugly in that jeans. The purple shirt I'm wearing exposed my big flabby arms (I thought all those hours mengangkut air di hathcery sepatutnya membuatkan tangan anda tough?) and somehow I looked shorter too. ERGHHH...

dear myself and hazel

2010-04-09T16:15:00.003+08:00

I keep wondering, if I'm capable of turning back time, will I come here and pursue my PhD? The answer is, I'm still will. Regardless of knowing the probabilty, aku akan balik menjadi pengangur yang agak muda (:D) dengan hutang terbanyak di Malaysia.

Makanya, aku boleh nganga je la kan? Menelan segala yang datang dengan bertemankan rasa takut setiap malam atau menaip dengan kadang-kadang mengalirkan air mata kerana I'm so fucked up?

My point is, aku akan terus ke depan, regardless of what happen because this is my choice. Walaupun aku tahu, I'm either very stupid to grab this opportunity or very bright for not letting it go. Maka my dear myself and hazel, lets move forward. We are already here and almost there. There's no way we could turn back and wish we've done more or wish we do it differently. What matter now is finished this up at our very best. Walaupun kalah itu bukan option, kalau kalah punnnn biarlahh kalah bergayaa..

:D

2010-04-09T11:37:00.002+08:00

I talked a lot with my land lord lately, sharing his experience. He indeed a very nice man. talking to him always remind me why i never had this kind of conversation with my dad? I'm pretty sure dad have tons of nice stories to share, like his experience being in police hutan, or whenever he's in school, or he's first work as a sales man before he joined polic force. I despised myself for not spending much time with him. And I pray hard to God, to still give me and him time to redeem my mistake.

Study sucks as always. I avoid talking about it maybe because I'm scared of facing my problem. But I keep forgetting, while I pretend nothing happen, the clock keep ticking and I'm nearly there with not nearly much in my hands.

Since the big guy sponsoring my study decided to stop my living allowance and being only a tutor back home, lepas diconvert gaji, cukuplah hanya lepas sewa bilik 3 meter x 2 meter itu. So aku perlulah bekerja. Skarang aku mengajar orang BM, tuition one on one. Dia adalah juruterbang yang boleh tahan kacak dan minggu lepas dia telah berjaya mengucapkan kata 'mata saya berwarna biru' lepas I asked 'apakah warna mata awak?' My heart goes ahhh... after that.

(Luv, I love only you :p)

I went to play paintball last 3 weeks. They should really called it painball, because damn I still have the bruises on my arms and thighs, after being hit by the unexplode 'bullet'. It was so fun though and I hope we'll do it again sometimes.

I'm running back and forth to lab and my office again! I shouldnt be doing it. Right now, I should only calmly sitting in my office, sipping coffee, writing my thesis and looking very educated. But no, I still need to spend few tiring hours in lab every day at the same time trying to write as much as I could. I have meeting in 4 minutes with my sv about my lab work and hopefully everything will be finalized.

So itu sahaja, owh I'm a fan of how I met your mother too, and friends like them are cool.

2010-03-26T06:39:00.002+08:00

dalam cinta aku nampak benci, dalam cinta aku nampak hipokrasi, dalam cinta aku nampak aku, di atas memijak2 rumput rata, biar mati, biar kosong, biar sunyi.

dalam cinta, aku benci.

2010-03-15T07:09:00.002+08:00

Aku tengah dengar lagu Ukiran Jiwa, Awie nyanyi. Dulu masa aku darjah 5? darjah 6? aku pun penyumbang Datuk Yusof Haslam dapat 6 juta sebab filem Sembilu. Yang aku x faham ialah ape citer masa darjah 5? darjah 6? pun aku boleh nangis tengok Awie kena tinggal?

*recalling scene Awie berlalu naik motor besar tepi highway tinggalkan Erra teresak2 dengan laki barunya*

2010-03-02T21:36:00.005+08:00

Now and then I heard sounds of someone clipping nails, perhaps it is only my imagination. The blinds keep flapping each other whenever I turn the fan to the fastest setting, as i am now, maybe the corner of it keep hitting the metal pane and thus making the click click sound. I was awaked at odd hours of 230 am last night, at the sight of something flying above my head. I was too sleepy to feel scared, only realized later when the flying 'thing' hit my face. It was a plastic bag that got twirl by the force of air made by my fan.

My stomach grumble in protest, I didnt have a proper dinner, only had munchies, by the time I'm feeling hungry, its already way too late. I could prepare a toast. But the white sandwich bread that I have is 3 months old. Owh please dont be suprised and disgust. I kept my bread in the freezer as I always buy it on sale. 2 loaf for 5 dollar, or 4 dollar for 1 (though I dont get credit for my addmaths, my maths is A1) The bread will not turn moldy, I trust my minus 20 degree freezer. It just becomes dry. And the only thing that I could think that will make it taste good is if I drown it in butter. Or, if I put thick rare steak in it. So rare that the blood is still dripping, and a good vet could revive it.

Other than internet and companion, there is actually another thing that I miss about living in campus. Baking, cooking and sharing. A feeling of satisfaction just flow in me if I get to share my food. If I could offer and they like it too. Own, I am no goddess. Do you know that sometimes when people do good things, it is not for the sake of the people they helping, but the sake of themselves? Sometimes, we didnt realized that we are soo selfish, we thought we are doing it for others, but we actually doing it so that we can feel better about ourself. Nothing wrong with that, mutual benefits. To some degree hypocrite yes, but acceptable.

In Sydney yesterday, people stand naked infront of Opera House in the name of art. This picture though taken in Melbourne by the same artist. Somehow it reminds me of a slaughter house.

2010-03-01T14:51:00.004+08:00

The morning came, but the sun is still hiding behind the mountain, or that is what I thought she’s doing. What I can see from down here, is her simmering gold color painting the sky, making a patch of orange on the calm blue. The colors were somehow in harmony rhythm, moving and dancing in agreement like any other morning. I could see the orange turning yellow now, spreading and embracing the blue tight, but the blue, owh my.. I whisper, what a strong color it is.. Not once lost to the twirling of sun, still strong with his uniqueness, only given up a little to make what I think his girlfriend happy, letting him shine in brighter shades. What a perfect couple, I muttured. They remind me to Ema, my girl. Used too.. The last time I saw her is in that shallow part of Ross River. I wonder if my babies tadpoles has turned to frog. Do they have freckled like me, or have small bumps at the back like Ema. That is what makes me noticed her. Cute small bumps. I took a deep breath and sigh. My attention moved to a blob of cloud nearest to the top of a house painted in green. It appear like a fly to me, only the head a little bit malformed, it could have been rabbit, I don’t know. I am not sure anymore as the throbbing pain on my lower body came back to bother me. And the sun is having no mercy like in any other summer day. My skin is getting drier now, not damp as it used to be and I could see flecked of skin, almost peeled from my body. I wonder if the sun in the sky and the flying rabbit (I already decided it’s a mixture of both), is my last view of my life. My body suddenly quivered, not from fear of death but from the tar under me. Here it comes, I closed my eyes. As the vibration going faster, I smelled the carbon polluting the earth. Will life spare me again after her cruel fate the first time? Few cars had missed me before and Splaaatttt!!! This is it. Air started to avoid me. Goodbye sun, goodbye fly rabbit.. I looked up to the sky for one last time.. But I was blocked; too bad my last memory of this beautiful earth is a girl on a bicycle, and a sound of disgust coming from her...

2010-02-09T12:41:00.000+08:00

2010-01-22T06:43:00.017+08:00

I was talking with Ma this morning, looking at her glittering eyes and big smile while telling me her experience in Mekah. Our morning breakfast tea that start at 7, only finished 2 hours later. Long after we finished our bihun goreng and nasi lemak. Here and then, her eyes water too, couldnt hold her emotion on how spiritual moving her experience is. And then I came to sudden realization, how could I cried upon my broken heart, drawn and lost in my sorrow when I have this sweet sweet happiness with me?

Sometimes we give attention too much over small things till we close our eyes for the big picture.

2010-01-22T06:43:00.016+08:00

you messing with my mind and its my fault that i allowed you to

2010-01-22T06:43:00.014+08:00

I am now glancing at the phone nervously, waiting for the cute guy over the store to call me back about the order of dry ice that I placed this morning. No, I am not nervous because he's cute, or very polite attitude of him towards me or because he used the word all right as oritey, just like me. I am nervous because time is ticking on me and I have heaps of stuff to do. Its one of the day where you wish you got 36 hours for you to do your works and a nice 8 hours sleep. I need my 8 hours sleep for me to function well and for days I only managed to get 4 and now I feel no less than walking zombie. I have never worked this hard since I've been here in Aust and how I wish I have this attitude sooner.

The phone is still as silent as dead cockroach that I found in Alan garage yesterday.

It is still raining outside and God I am enjoying every second of it. The rain was just drizzling just now, but the sky is dark and we are expecting more down pour this afternoon. That is another thing that make me anxious, I need to pick the dry ice about 20 minutes drive from uni, and as much as I love the rain, I dont like driving through it. I grew up in Taiping, and with Bukit Larut just 5 minutes away we received more rain than other people in Malaysia. I always thought that is kind of cool, dont you think? One of the vivid memory I had of rainy days in Taiping, is of course, when mama give us green light to mandi hujan. Whenever its raining, the water accumulated on the roof top and poured down like a mini waterfall. The jetstream water gave you feeling of being head massage, or shoulder massage or any part of your body depending on how creative you are with your flexibilty.

I'll give this guy another 15 minutes, cute or not, I have two chapters to submit and 15 more diets to make before this week ends. Haish.. I have butterfly in my stomach everytime I think about my thesis, will I make it? Will I go home as a PhD holder, or just some degree graduate with some research experience? My stomach just shiver again, oopss.. that is not shiver of nervousness, more to grumble in protest as I only have enough time to munch banana this morning. I need nasi lemak, with spicy bilis and boiled eggs, cooked but with a still very tender centre. Not to forget a blanched kangkung. That is how I take my nasi lemak, a rendang or spiced fried chicken is ok, but it will mask all the flavor nasi lemak should have.

I'm going to call him again. Outside, the rain doesnt wait till afternoon as I expected, its pouring down hard, like earth need to be teached a lesson for her wrong doings.

/I have house hunting too, rescheduled to later this afternoon. Wish me luck.

2010-01-22T06:43:00.011+08:00

ke garisannnn....

sediaaaa...

mulaaa....

Siapa kata musim hujan tak fun??? Owh I'm fully aware I looked like penguin in disguise...

juga....

(kini aku tahu kenapa aku masih belum boleh kahwin)

2010-01-22T06:43:00.009+08:00

(pic from berita harian)

Sumpah, kalau meja sekolah aku macam ni zaman dulu-dulu, aku akan pening kepala nak belajar. Kalau aku habis-habis suka pun, mesti sebab aku boleh campak homework tak siap bawah meja dan kata kat cikgu aku lupa bawak, ataupun aku guna jadi port main hide and seek. Hamik, carilah aku satu sekolah, puluh kelas, ratus meja, muahahaha

2010-01-22T06:43:00.007+08:00

.
.
You know why i think this pic is funny? Mama and I were posing for the camera but abah was determined to look natural, hence explain why his looking at other way rather than the camera. Of course he disastisfied with this picture with smiley bubly face of Mama and me, he bully the waitress to take another snap of us, this time all of us pretending to eat :)
.
.

Kyora kindly advised to not follow what we did above. Secret recipe after jog is a big no, tihehehe

2010-01-22T06:43:00.004+08:00

we should make it through these days..

2010-01-22T06:43:00.003+08:00

Yup, one of the craziest things I've done. I succumb to my feelings again, rather than my logic or my pocket. Thinking back, I am much stronger when I just started.

2010-01-21T14:50:00.000+08:00

2010-01-20T10:32:00.002+08:00

sudahlah sudahlah
bulan bulan makin singkat
nafas nafas pun makin ketat
tak sempat nak senyum muka asyik kelat

sudahlah sudahlah
kalau tak grad hutang jadi setengah juta
belum campur malu dan org kampung mengata
bila malam mimpi nampak thesis saja
tgn ketik ketik atas cadar

sudahlah sudahlah
supervisor busy semendang
chapters dihantar langsung tak dipandang
di mulut 'how's your progress?' tak pernah lekang
haishh, ikut hati aku rasa cam nak lempang

sudahlah sudahlah
ikut hati mau golek berhari-hari
tak mahu bangun biar thesis siap sendiri
tapi nanti aku jugak yang mati
duit hantaran level PhD turun jadi degree
elok balik boleh bawak camry
kena pecat, kancil pun belum tentu lagi

sudahlah sudahlah
nak golek goleklah setengah tahun lagi
nak joget jogetlah bila submit nanti
yang penting tenangkan hati
insyaallah kalau usaha semua jadi

2010-01-17T20:54:00.003+08:00

I desperately need to do my groceries shopping. What left in the fridge, are only one egg, half capsicum and three carrots. Thus, I forced myself to cycle to market today in Willows, though God know how lazy I am. I was a bit motivated after thinking about the delicious lava cake that I ate yesterday at Mandy's house. Not to mention the sinful peach cheese cake. It was 10 in the morning when I started, freaking hot and I was soaked with my own sweat when I arrived there. I thought to myself, let get in the mall first, cool myself down with the ac and perhaps for some ice coffee. While I was leisuring inside the mall with my ice coffee, enjoying every gulp, I saw this new bookshop and of course they were having sale. Like being magnetized, I was drown to the shop, without knowing I already stand infront of the stack of Dean Koontz book, all on sale. Thank God, most of it I already read. Finally I settled on one that came out in 2008, Your heart belongs to me, a Sophie Kinsella, Twenties and a self motivated book-Dont sweat the small stuff. The last choice was a bit suprising. I dont really read that kind of book. I never have the passion to read a whole lot of advices but the book was exactly of what I need lately. I'll save the details about the book for later. The point of this short post is, my fridge still empty after my visit to Willows this morning. Three book is already too much for me to handle when I cycle back at 12 noon. And now, I'm hungry.

2010-01-16T20:21:00.007+08:00

Macam mana eh to act that you dont care but actually you are, even worse, to act that you dont feel a thing, when your heart is overflowed with emotion? Macam mana nak terima yang you are the one who are wrong and what you feel is utterly ridiculous, when what you feel is hurting you a lot. How to react happy for the sake of others, when you are actually not? Aku confuse macam mana nak accept yang the world doesnt revolves around me only and people dont really alter their life to suit me? Kenapa eh aku macam pening bila org rasa aku tidak penting lagi, sedang aku tunggang terbalik memendam hati? Why do I think I'm so important? Why cant I just let go? Why people dont let me too? Why do I have to be so emotional and act like I'm a sky on Cairns wet season? It so weird that I'm doing the exact same thing that I dont like. Why can't I be cool like I always do? How am I suppose to mend this broken heart and of course this broken band? Why I'm so selfish, ignorant, emotional, irreseponsible? Why does everybody have to remind me that they are angel? If I'm so selfish, ignorant etc, why does the angel didnt let me go? If I'm so nasty, why are you still here? Why couldnt I be angel as well? Why do I have to be selfish? Why cant I just accept that the world doesnt revolves around me only? Sungguh tak malu untuk aku terus fikir things that are mine, will always be mine. Aku rasa tak patut untuk aku rasa terpinggir. If I'm not suppose too, why do I keep feel that someone is kicking my butt out. Why every possible way, good or bad doesnt make me happy? Why I am hurt when someone is happy? I'm a weirdo, as I'm hurt when someone is not as well. Why am I so selfish and stupid? Why do you have to make feel guilty with what I feel? Why do I have to make you feel guilty with what you feel?

Yes you sucks, big time. Tapi janganlah sendu2 mengenangkan your stupidity, your selfishness and your inadequate abilty to face the situation. Why do you have to self-pity yourself when its clearly that you are at wrong? Do you realize how many times we do this? When someone apologize to you, what you said is, no its me. No you are stress, I'm the one who should be more understanding. Why do we actually take the blame while its clearly the other people fault? Because we loves self-pity, we loves putting us in situation full of despair, so we becomes weak, so we dont have to move on.

2010-01-16T07:45:00.001+08:00

To betrayed is hurt, to be betrayed is agony.

2010-01-14T13:22:00.003+08:00

Had another long meeting with pendekar. Something must been happening to him lately (seperti telah mempunyai awek?) He seems very nice, he talked in a very nice compose way (aku terasa seperti tgh dating je tadi, muahahaha), I havent seen him freak out or raise his voice for a while now. Sungguhla ini semuanya perubahan yang memberangsangkan, dan aku pun rasa seronok discuss2 my paper. Sebelum ni sebab dia asyik flip saja, aku bila ada meeting terus dah prepare to be in defensive mode. Tapi sekarang ni kitorang lebih relax and lagi senang nak tukar2 pandangan. The thing is bila pendekar sudah menjadi super baik, bila aku ada buat silap je, aku rasa bersalah, seperti aku telah let dia down g2. Aku rasa pendekar menggunakan pendekatan baru untuk tackle student. Reverse psychology kitorang. Last week, one of my mate hantar email reg one matter n say sorry, pendekar reply, I never give up on you. Perghhhh... Sungguh baik hati. Pendekar kah ini?

2010-01-13T12:05:00.000+08:00

Abang send me a text yesterday “Hari ni birthday Darwish, tiba teringat masa abg ambik anje balik tuisyen”. Darwish, his youngest son turn 4 yesterday, I guess it hit abang how fast time flies. Abang, abah and amboy is the one who send me back and forth to school or Pusat Tuisyen Ong where I took my tuition classes for 3 years. Abah and amboy did that with no comments, routinely. But Abang is different, he critically comments the way I dress, seluar katok is a big no whenever its Abang turn to send me to tuition classes. I couldn’t let him see my earphone dangling at my ear too. Any attempt for me to look cool at that time is severely slashed. And I mentioned before in my post, heroes of mine. He scrutinized every boy standing within 3 meter radius around me, just in case he’s able to spot my boyfriend, or any wanna be. But no one dare to say Hi then as he oftenly make me embarrassed by screaming randomly, owh dia tu kacau anje eh? Making me embarrassed is one of his fav things as well. Before he was sick, and before I’m this heavy :p he will carry me on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, running from end to the other. Mind you he did this in public, few times in a place like airport. He’s not able to do this now and recently he’s back to his shouting in public behavior. He just say it out loud that I want to order second and add, ‘dia ni banyak makan’ later in restaurant or before I past the departure gate, he screamed as loud as he can, jangan lupa solat and jangan lupa minum susu. The immigration officer who checked my passport couldn’t hold his laugh. Haish.. (the officer is cute as well).

After he sent me the message yesterday, I’m overwhelmed with feelings of missing him. How I wish, I could go back to the years when I’m still his small princess. Those days were nice. It was filled with laugh, tears, shout, nasty words, joy and most of all unconditioned love.

I miss you Abang *hugs*

2010-01-12T09:46:00.002+08:00

The sun is hot in the sky,
Why I still feel it in this damn well?
I hide and I run,
But it tailing me,
Like an ant to sugar,
Too bad too bad
I couldn’t stomp it dead

kids in me

2010-01-11T14:17:00.005+08:00

I found it very funny yesterday, I even giggle to myself. I was cycling home from my bin job, and I tried to sling my bag with one hand and balancing with the other. Then it struck me that I never been able to cycle with my hands free from the handle. So yesterday I tried it. Like a retard, I was cycling, balancing and clapping at the same time. The clapping is not neccessary really, I thought it just more fun that way. The longer I'm able to clap, the longer my hands off the handles. Then I passed uni gate and I'm facing a vicious bird who attack everything shiny, in my case my helmet. I was determined not to get peck this time. I cycled as fast as I can then when I saw the bird, I lower my head, chest down and cycled even faster. The bird flew past me frustratingly. HAhahaha, got you there stupid bird!! Booohooooo!!

2010-01-10T12:04:00.003+08:00

I finnaly move my ass out of Rotary to a nearby housing area. Now that Im officially broke (walau masih ada hati mengumpul duit utk berjalan2), I could not afford to pay at least 162/week + 800 fine if i break the contract and about 300 for returning student fee. It is a little bit sad, as Ive been living there for the past 3 years, but I dont have any choice. The house is nice, and neat. The people Im living with pay attention to cleanliness and they are friendly too. So far I have no trouble fitting in. The only thing I missed is the unlimited use of net over in Uni. Now that Im sharing 2gb/month plan, couldnt use as much as I want anymore. Guess thats allrite, more time to work if I less surf kan? I cycle or walk to uni everyday now, broken sweat each time. I stop weighing myself every single day, I will only weigh myself at the end of this month, see if theres any changes. Study wise, Im finishing in few months time, now working on my thesis and my completion seminar which hopefully will be at the end of February.

I ve been reflecting my past years and ve been thinking of what will I change if I have the chances, however, I couldnt come out with a single thing that I would like to do all over again. Not that I have no regrets, Im a human with sin, but everything single thing that I did lead to other things and though some are good and some are horrible, each of that outcome teaches me something.

Some people credit me that I'm calm and compose, few recent things happen lately proves otherwise. I couldnt be calm and compose when it involves people how are dear to me. I flipped and I drowned in my emotion and I ultimately regret that. I just shed my tears a moment ago, for some silly dispute, the dispute is between me and my closest mate here. Its really nothing really, but I become emotional. Am I that terrible friend till someone hate me? I have some up and down arguments for the past few weeks with Miss @ as well. Then I thought, no I have no rights and power to interfere her life. We are damn close like a sister and somehow it feels like we own each other life. Of course, I dont, neither do her. I have my concern certainly, but does that give me power to flip each time she did what I think is wrong? I have none. Thats why I decided to let go. She certainly can make her own decision. I'll stand here @, against the wall, watching you and I'll speak as I want and I will hold to my own stand, but I will not hold your hands anymore and take you where I want you to be.

Changes is hard.

The sun is shining bright outside but I wish its raining. I'm still doing garbage bin job over at Rotary though I no longer stay there. Maybe I didnt mention before, other than bekerja sebagai pembantu tenaga pengajar, aku juga pernah menjadi amah, pencuci tandas and selama 2 tahun lebih, pengutip sampah. I guess I have to stop that sometime soon now that I decided to terminated my acc with Rotary. Haish, less money coming in. I am not confident to apply work as a sales girl or any job that need me to interact with customer. Pretty sure my dress code didnt meet theirs either. I hope uni still need my help this coming semester, or else, I have to say goodbye to any trip I plan.

I have to mention this as well, being a MALAY MUSLIM MALAYSIA, off course I am bombarded with question on what have been happening in Malaysia lately. I despise all inconsiderate action towards any race or religion. What happen to sensitivity? And that applies to both or whatever number of parties involve. I wish for all of us to calm down and think this matter throughly and stop reading only Utusan and make judgement or only Malaysia Today and being skeptical. That doenst help. Government certainly need to tackle this matter seriously, I dont think they are serious enough. 500 k is nice yes, but the root to the problem should be dig up. And you, who accused the other side being racist, look inside your heart and think, is there a love to other people as well? Or is it just hatred? Or just because you dont like some of them, whatever they did is wrong?

Its still not raining

on a note of being hypocrite

2009-12-30T09:27:00.001+08:00

I am, you are, everyone does. But why is it still bothering me?

2009-12-30T08:45:00.003+08:00

I met a remarkable woman last week. She really struck me deep, on how un-optimist I am about the world, how shallow I am when seeing things and how silly I am in balancing my emotion. I don’t know if she realizes that. I also don’t know if she realizes I’m making a mental note of all her experiences and her views and my questions are my subtle way to prick deeper into her life story. No, I don’t mean any bad, or want to be a busy body, I just drawn to her story and just need to comprehend the situation, awe with the way she handled it. As much as I want to tell the world about her story, I’m in no position to do so. This small post will be enough to signify, that I’ve met another wonderful person in my journey here. Thanks K.A, you’ve made me see the world in colors.

cute

2009-12-01T16:45:00.002+08:00

Date: Mon, 30 Nov 2009 01:32:56 +1000
From: Luch*ng Sha*
Subject: Hi !
To: kyora@jcu.edu.au

Dear Diyana,

Long time no touching.How about your visit to Xi'an and Peking?Did you see the heavy snow?

I still don't have chance to know how they three guys got back to university by theirselves that night.
Maybe you have talked about it already.Please let me know.I feel so guilty.

One more thing,Could you send the photoes we took together in People's square and Xujiahui by Email?I am urgent to see them.Thanks a lot.

Missing you

Luchang

2009-10-08T08:41:00.003+08:00

Pagi ni, aku punya status YM, 'I want more than yesterday, Kyora'. Pergh, gila stylo, motivasi lah kononnya. 2 jam lepas tu, aku buat plan nak pergi shopping dekat kedai ular besar pulak (ANACONDA). Cess. Tapi aku pergi ni nak beli baju yang tebal-tebal sikit. Kira ada kaitan dengan study aku lah jugak kan. Certainly more than yesterday kan?

La la la la la la..

kau tahu, proses pengudaraan tangki boleh dikuat dan diperlahankan?

2009-10-08T08:24:00.003+08:00

China 1

2009-10-02T09:00:00.005+08:00

Sungguhla aku excited pasal trip ke China mengalahkan excitednya aku nak pergi conference boleh? Miss @ going to join me there for our little trip and its going to be so nice to have holiday together again after a long long time. Conference wise, both abstracts have been submitted and accepted, slides dan poster juga sudah mula di bina. Flight ticket not yet! Visa belum! Miss @ dah pun beli ticket berbulan2 lepas. Hee, she is the organized one. She make all the plans, how much it will cost, contacted the accommodation places etc Tiheeeehehehe.. Thanks @! Aku ni baru terhegeh2 check belen2 duit dalam acc, pecah tabung and yang terselit-selit di bawah buku.

I think I will be able to confirm the ticket today, at most this weekend. For visa, since I have to send my passport away, hmm I think I’ll choose to do it by travel agent though it will cost me about 30 dollar more than send it by myself. But I’ll ask them again on the procedures and kalau mereka pun takat bungkus2 hantar pakai pos, baiklah aku hantar sendiri. The places that I’ll go will be a bit chilly and can go to minus degree at night. I haven’t bought proper clothes yet and will do that at the end of this month. For food, in the uni I’m staying, there will be a muslim cafeteria so no problem on that.

Apart from travelling from Msia to Aust, this is my second international journey (I don’t count Thailand) and I’m kind of excited and nervous at the same time. I do welcome any suggestion or nasihat2 serta pesanan2 hee… Pesanan shopping hanya jika errr.. tak janji kut? It won’t be a luxurious trip, so I intend to travel light. Happy!

*****

I abandoned this blog for a while, I know, I’m sorry kyora *sambil gosok2 skrin monitor*. Not that I’m that busy, not that I’m that emotionally stable I don’t need to whine anymore, I just lost interest for a while. Hope it won’t happen again, and if it does it won’t be for long. This baby is a picture of my journey.

2009-09-08T14:05:00.002+08:00

18 days already? Time sure fly very fast. It’s going to be my 4th raya in Townsville this year. How does it feel? Suck as always and somehow the weight is much heavier to bear this year. To the point, it crossed my mind to just boycott raya. Hell with it. After all, is just another day for me. Then I istifar, how could I blame my sadness and frustration to months and day of celebration that Allah bestowed upon us? Forgive me God, I’m a very emotional servant. I know I can go through this, I know I’m strong enough. Just please make mama stronger, just take the miserable feelings out of her heart and bless her with happiness during this raya. She doesn’t deserve to be paid off my deeds.
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Wrench in pain,
Kyora